karma's the biggest bitch

What was supposed to be my life has now, apparently, been handed off to another girl.

I feel cheated. I feel neglected.

I feel like I've been used up and tossed aside. 

But the broken-hearted sucker I am, I'm hoping that I've been tossed aside for a rainy day. Because lately, I've had nothing but rainy days and I know you have too.

He was/is everything to me, the only thing I want in this life is to be with him. But I've been cheated out of that life and it's. not. fair.

I get it now. Everything I did to him. He's throwing all that back my way. I get it. I hurt you bad, but I never ever ever hurt you like this. 

and. it's. not. fair. 

Happiness - only real when shared.

Why do I do this to myself so constantly...? I know from the start how it will turn out and I have yet for my intuition to be wrong.

... but I did it again.

This is, I think, the biggest reason why I miss my friends back home so much... because the respect goes both ways and I'm never left to wonder if I'm even noticed or appreciated, but most of all... I know that I'm needed. And that, again, goes both ways.

Maybe I just haven't met the right people or maybe I'm the snobbiest, most stuck up know it all bitch ever..... but that just isn't how it is out here. I swear there's something in the water.

If we meet and I want us to know each other and be friends, you now become the primary focus of my attention: I will do all things, in my power, for you. I think of little things that might make you smile, and I do them. I make it known to you that I am here for you. No matter the day, the time, the circumstance.... and I might be a bit aggressive but you NEED to know, without question and without judgment, that
I. am. here.
If you need something that I have, it's now yours. Whatever you want, if I have it - it's yours. And even if I don't have it, I will find a way to get it. For you.

Because you are my friend.
Because I love you with everything and all of me.
Because your happiness is more important than my own.
Because your everything is more important than mine.
Always.

It's kind of funny, reflecting on this now, because growing up I was always told that I should start thinking of others more than myself and put others above & before me.
I can confidently say that I understand what that looks like now and even when it's not always perfect - no matter what - I will never not pour myself out and give and give and give until I'm so shrivelled and dried up that there is nothing left and I am no more. This will be the death of me, I swear.

I'm not complaining or trying to make myself look wonderful. I'm just stating a fact - that if you really know me, you will know it's true. I only have one question because I'm seriously starting to lose heart....

Why, even when people walk all over me and fuck me over again and again, do I still love them - them who do not realize or acknowledge my heart, and even me...?

I'm starting to lose it, in every way (probably) because I have never ever ever ever before in my life felt this alone.
And I don't know what to do. Or how to go forward from here. Because after the past 5 years of nonsense and bullshit and my own personal demolition, there is something I lack because I don't even know how to meet people my age and make friends like I used to.

I'm just so tired of always being by myself and on my own. Life wasn't meant to be lived like this and in the words of Alexander Supertramp, "happiness is only real when shared."

Keep me in your prayers in the days to come. I've got a bit of a rough road ahead.

Hey friends,

I am writing to you now because I am in desperate need of your help, whether it be financial help or simply sending your thoughts and prayers.

I have nowhere else to turn and although I know I have asked in the past, right now is urgent. And I understand if you may be skeptical in doing so, but I assure you that this is a real emergency. I wanted to keep this vague, but if you would like to know what is going on, feel free to send me a message.

I am on my knees right now, hoping, pleading, and praying that you find it in your heart to bless/help me financially. Every dollar helps.

I love you all and I thank you in advance for any help you may give.....

May hearts be  open, I pray.

I am the walking dead.

Sometimes I wish a zombie apocalypse would happen, because I like to think that I would be a different person...

It would force me to become a better person, and I would be a better person for it.

I would be stronger, I would be courageous. I wouldn't be stuck... I wouldn't be addicted.

I can't help but feel like nothing will change, that I won't change, unless I'm forced into it. I don't mean forced as in: locked up, being in rehab, etc...

I mean a huge, drastic force... I'm talking an end of the world force.

Here comes the sun, little darlin.

So, there's something I must admit. Brace yourselves, you may not be able to handle it...

I have not been writing....
Not. At. All.

I bet you're wondering why I find this big enough of a deal that I need to confess (haha). But this is why: because writing is my outlet, because I'm damn good at it, and because, damn it, I'm a writer!

So now you're probably wondering what it is that's stopped me from really stepping into my art. And though it really is NOT justifiable, the reason is this: I've been going through many, many, many, many changes in the past two months. And everything is (finally) just now starting to catch up with me, and my vision/view, thoughts and feelings are finally becoming clear to me. So that is my reason for writing this blog post.

But as for everything that's been going on, my feelings/thoughts/etc about it all, I can't go into detail because there is much sorting these thoughts out and making a plan that needs to happen first.

I think this may be a start for me, to pick up my pen and start writing again. And there will be much, much, much writing following the publishing of this post.
Personal writing, that is. Not public. Or at least not yet.. I just mainly wanted my readers to know that I'm still alive and kicking. Well actually, more like trudging along. But you get the point.

As always, a huge thanks to those who take the time to read and respond. And another huge thanks to those of you who believe in me. Still & even now. Thank you.

Where has all the time gone..?

It's time.

Time to make a plan,
and time to look into open opportunities & availabilities.

Time to make some changes.

I want to come home.