Why do I do this to myself so constantly...? I know from the start how it will turn out and I have yet for my intuition to be wrong.
... but I did it again.
This is, I think, the biggest reason why I miss my friends back home so much... because the respect goes both ways and I'm never left to wonder if I'm even noticed or appreciated, but most of all... I know that I'm needed. And that, again, goes both ways.
Maybe I just haven't met the right people or maybe I'm the snobbiest, most stuck up know it all bitch ever..... but that just isn't how it is out here. I swear there's something in the water.
If we meet and I want us to know each other and be friends, you now become the primary focus of my attention: I will do all things, in my power, for you. I think of little things that might make you smile, and I do them. I make it known to you that I am here for you. No matter the day, the time, the circumstance.... and I might be a bit aggressive but you NEED to know, without question and without judgment, that
I. am. here.
If you need something that I have, it's now yours. Whatever you want, if I have it - it's yours. And even if I don't have it, I will find a way to get it. For you.
Because you are my friend.
Because I love you with everything and all of me.
Because your happiness is more important than my own.
Because your everything is more important than mine.
Always.
It's kind of funny, reflecting on this now, because growing up I was always told that I should start thinking of others more than myself and put others above & before me.
I can confidently say that I understand what that looks like now and even when it's not always perfect - no matter what - I will never not pour myself out and give and give and give until I'm so shrivelled and dried up that there is nothing left and I am no more. This will be the death of me, I swear.
I'm not complaining or trying to make myself look wonderful. I'm just stating a fact - that if you really know me, you will know it's true. I only have one question because I'm seriously starting to lose heart....
Why, even when people walk all over me and fuck me over again and again, do I still love them - them who do not realize or acknowledge my heart, and even me...?
I'm starting to lose it, in every way (probably) because I have never ever ever ever before in my life felt this alone.
And I don't know what to do. Or how to go forward from here. Because after the past 5 years of nonsense and bullshit and my own personal demolition, there is something I lack because I don't even know how to meet people my age and make friends like I used to.
I'm just so tired of always being by myself and on my own. Life wasn't meant to be lived like this and in the words of Alexander Supertramp, "happiness is only real when shared."
