I just would like to be made whole.

So, I've been going to all sorts of meetings lately -- Counseling, grief share, etc etc etc.

The one that's really gotten to me so far is the grief share group. It's held weekly at a church close-by.
It's literally been rocking my world. I hesitate before going each week, because it's the one thing that I've put off for 6 years, yet it's the root of every problem that I have in my life. I never want to go, but I've left each group so thankful that I decided to bite the bullet and actually go. The usual layout of these meetings is this: we watch a video explaining different stages of grief and then we sit in a circle (or in smaller groups) and we discuss the video. It probably sounds cliche and maybe sort of strange, but I will say that it's been helping me a lot. Being surrounded in a group of people (sometimes 5, sometimes 15) who understand what I am dealing with has been really encouraging. It's encouraging, even inspiring, to see these same people week after week and it's encouraging because here we are in the midst of terrible tragedy and heart-breaking loss, but we are not alone and we are dealing with it, we are getting help, we are receiving help. We are there for each other, there are shoulders to cry on and there are memories to be shared. And that's so important, I think, when you are grieving: to simply share your memories with someone else.
It's not always so easy at these groups and you'd be surprised how much anger can be tied in with losing someone close to you and a lot of times, I leave feeling so burdened with my loss and just so desperately sad.
BUT I still go and as much as I never really want to go, I do want to go at the same time. Clearly, it's just time for me to deal with and sort through losing my mom. It's time to face it head-on because that's the only way that I can fully recover, because this is the one thing that has held me back for the past 6 years and because I intend to dig deep to get to the core of it.
It's hard, but I'm determined.

(Sorry if this is all just rambled thought)