11.

This is my 11th try at rehab, sober living, whatever you want to call it.
In. The. Past. Year.

Sometimes I really can't help but to think, "Are you kidding me?!? ANOTHER goddamn sober living? Are you freaking kidding???" And that's what I think maybe 551 times a day, everyday.
I absolutely hate the fact that this is where I am, that I can't seem to get it... that I haven't gotten it yet.
But I'm putting myself into this program wholeheartedly (along with some other things...) and I so far have had mini "spiritual awakenings" - or whatever you want to call them. So, I'm doing this. I'm here now. And I've accepted that. Just a bit pissed at the fact that I could have got this shit down a year ago, but was too strung out to care or even see the big picture. But again, I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere. Just sometimes have little doubts, and discouragements by thoughts that make me think about this the way that I do. That's all. Just wanted to share, because I'm trying this new thing where I stay honest. And that ain't easy.