And then there's this kind of fear:
The fear that I am going to lose my father, especially now that I am out here with him.
There have been so many nights, including tonight, where sleep just does not come.
So many things running through my mind.
But tonight it's fear of losing my dad.
I guess that you could say at this point in time, I've lost my family... except for the fact that they've made their distance quite some time ago. And not to mention, I lost my mother almost 8 years ago. And then there's the fact that more than half my life, I've had this terrible abandonment issue.
So I think it's safe to say that all of the above might explain this current fear of mine.
And fearful, I am.
I don't know how to work through this, I don't know how to deal with this and I certainly have not been able to shake this.
But I do know that admitting such fears is the first step... right? And maybe getting it out through writing is the second? So, what's the third step? How do I shake it, does anyone know?
It keeps me up at night and has made me into the worst home-body there ever was, because I just want to know that he is ok and if he goes somewhere without me, I have to stay home... you understand why, right?
Because I need to know that he's ok, and I need to know that he made it home safe.
I don't know what to do.
Asking for prayer regarding this is a no brainer, but I'm also asking for something a little more tangible... say, like advice?
Please. Cause I'm stuck and I'm tired of letting this fear hold me back from getting out and going places, from making new friends and being 100% available to the very few friends I have made out here.
So, please... and a million times thank you for anything said from my readers. I truly love you all.
Miss Camille,
ReplyDeleteIt's probably not going to be very helpful for me to say this, but I have no idea. Where is the fear coming from? Is there really a possibility that he might leave and not come back? Does he know that he is causing this fear in you, by something he has done? Fear of the unknown hits us all, we all have the what if moments. If there is nothing you can do to get assurances that he won't be leaving you, then I say live your life. Create those connections that you are wanting. Be there for your friends. Perhaps your Dad is trying to give you the space to make the new friends, without the pressure that you need to be worrying over him. I know none of this probably helped, but they were just some first thoughts. I will continue praying for you and include your Dad in there. Have a pleasant day dear lady.