I'm going to be honest here, so prepare yourself if you must.
Because I just want you to know where I'm at.
Every single day I go through this agonizing game of tug-of-war.
I'm talking head in my hands, sweat dripping, body writhing, my muscles pulling me in a thousand different directions.
I'm talking about the hold that heroin (still, unfortunately) has on me.
I'm talking about the obsession to use, the sometimes thought that all of this just doesn't seem worth it and that I really don't mind going back to that pit of hell that I just barely made it out of.
And when I say "this" doesn't seem worth it at times,
I'm talking about fighting this ever-constant thought, I'm talking about fighting for my recovery, I'm talking about fighting for my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough when I feel like I'm doing everything I can, I'm not doing a "good enough" job, I'm not changing, nothing has changed, I'm too weak, I'm not worth fighting for (because why isn't anyone fighting for me?), I'm completely worthless as a human being, I keep fucking up when I'm supposed to be having this amazing "spiritual awakening", I am a disappointment, I can't get it right, I can't let things that I've done in the past go, I can't let my guard down, I can't let God in completely, I am scared.
I am scared of being a disappointment, I'm scared of letting you down, I'm scared of not getting this right, I'm scared that I'll keep messing up in the meantime, I'm scared of being too comfortable, I'm scared of jumping head-first into the unknown, I'm scared of letting my guard down and having the people around me see me for who and what I really am. The past plays a big part in this and the person that I know myself to be now is the person that I was not even 40 days ago. And it's hard to let that one go, it's hard to accept forgiveness not even just from God, but most importantly from myself.
But I was told yesterday from someone I consider closer than blood, that I am not a bad person.
I am not a bad person. I'm not. He just kept repeating that after I told him all the shit I've done, "You're not a bad person, you're not a bad person, you're not..."
I just wish I could believe that. I want to. So badly. So fucking bad.
So this post is just to let you know that I am fighting every damn day for my sobriety, my sanity, my faith, and my life. Please join me in this. Because I need you, my supporters, now MORE than ever.
I need you, because I'm starting to lose sight. I feel I'm beginning to lose this battle, I feel weak. I need you to fight not only for but with me. Please.
First and foremost, thank you for being so honest.
ReplyDeleteI don’t know you, and I’ll probably never meet you. I also don’t know what it’s like to go through what you’re going through right now. But I’m sure it’s very hard, I can feel the difficulty of your situation reverberating through your post. After reading through your post and then reading through it again, I agree with your friend—you’re not a bad person.
Here’s how I came to this conclusion: no one has ever asked a butterfly what it feels when it bursts forth from its cocoon, but I’m sure it hurts like hell. Right now, I believe you’re becoming the Camille you were meant to be, more so than the Camille you were 40 days ago when you first entered sobriety. I don’t mean to suggest that things will always be this hard, because they won’t. There are so many people who are cheering you on. Your friends will walk with you through this difficult time. And the God who deeply loved you during your addiction is the same God who loves you right now, and refuses to give up on you.
I’m joining with the people who are petitioning heaven for your sobriety, because you are so very worth it. Camille you are beautiful, dynamic, worthy and you are always on your Heavenly Father’s mind. He doesn’t sleep a wink while you’re going through this difficult time. This new life that you’re stepping into is going to be so very worth it.
-A brother in Christ
Miss Camille,
ReplyDelete"the mirrors in a car are so small, cause what's behind us isn't as important as what's in front of us ", I'm sure that's by someone but don't know who. This is my third time to attempt to write this hope it works. Thank you for adding to my world today, for changing me in imperceptible ways. I learned something earlier, you came into this world, August of '90. Now I have another reason to celebrate in August. The other reason is that's when I met the little Mrs. You see my step brother was in a horrible car accident. Life flighted to the hospital, head light glass in the side of his head, cut the ear cannal in half, almost ripped his ear off. Collapsed a lung, enlarged his heart, lots of reconstructive surgery. The sort of accident I wouldn't wish on an enemy, like I said horrible accident. Anyway because of him, I spent a few hours sitting in the ICU waiting room talking to the woman that I've spent the last 22 years with. I don't know His plan for you, and where you are coming from is a horrible place, but that doesn't mean there isn't a plan. Sorry this is so long. You know during the quiet times my mind also wonders about all the what ifs and should haves and might have beens. So you are normal. Welcome. happiness courage strength
The wonder of it all is that God made it possible for you to even think you might be free. Just that possiblity is miraculous. Don't get discouraged with two steps forward and three steps back, because you will be free of this web....because, it has been possible to get even this far. I will be praying for you every day.
ReplyDelete