The last part is a riddle... Good luck figuring out what I am really talking about.

I seriously hate just about every goddamn person right now.
Especially the ones who claim to be "Christians" and especially those who call themselves "my friend".

Got news: You're not my friend and most likely, you never were.

I told so many of you over and over again that it is not good or safe for me to be alone; I cried out multiple times for help, for someone to be there with me as I walk through all of this shit... And not one single person responded in the way I needed them to. In fact, no one responded at all.
Because here I (still) am..... ALONE.

I am so incredibly upset right now. So upset, so hurt and so alone.
And that just is nottt the best thing for me right now.
Because I have some black licorice in my room right now...
All I have to do is warm it up, press on it and let it soak into my tastebuds.
I'm about to go into a food coma.

And I hope to God that I do NOT wake up.

Dear Time, please speed up...

This has been the

l - o - n - g - e - s - t
week of
my
life.



A week ago today, he got arrested.
And two weeks from tomorrow, he has court.
But sometime before then, I plan to visit him.

Because this last week has gone by
s - o
s - l - o - w.

Every night as I lay in bed
a - l - o - n - e
I take a deep breath
because I made it through one more day without him.

Another day
d - o - w - n.
Still a few more to go, though...

Oh boy. Time needs to speed UP.

Torn at the seams.

Dear God
I miss him so much.

Over the past few months,
he became my everything & I became his.
And now he's gone,
taken completely away from me.
So here I sit, here I stand, here I sleep... alone.
Without him after so long of us being inseperable.
And it hurts like hell.

But now I think, he must feel the same way.
There he is, freedom completely taken away.
And though he might have a bunkie,
he, too, is... alone.
So together, we are alone in this.
Together, in spirit and together, because our hearts are intertwined and because through everything so far, he has left my side not one time. And I certainly will not leave his.
He is far too precious to me.

And now I realize that this seperation is not permanent and dare I go as far to say that it doesn't even exist.
Because I believe, for the first time in awhile, in love.
I believe that the past few months built both of us up so that we would be able to make it through this time.
No matter how long it's going to be.
He stayed right by my side throughout everything we have endured thus far and I refuse for this setback to be the reason as to why I leave his...

I feel alone, yes.
But the bonds of love remain strong and intact.
And I will forever stay by his side.
No matter what.

My thoughts, prayers and love go out to him, my Papi.
I hope and pray that you are okay and that you grow stronger everyday. I will come to you as soon as I can. I love you.

Papi.

A lot of people are talking, and a lot of what they have to say is unnecessary.
They don't know what goes on between you and I, they only see and they hear. But they don't really know.

You know that I love you, and I know that you love me too.
It's just that there is something that we love, maybe just a little more than eachother.
Despite that though, we have a good thing going.
You are good for me. You put me in line, you straighten me out and you check me when needed. You are there for me constantly, you adore me endlessly and you show your love to me always.
We have conversations naturally and I love that we talk about anything and everything under the sun.
You point out what I need to change, but you have never left me because that list of change is overwhelming to you. No, you stick it out with patience. And I love you for that.

I know that I have a lot to work on, okay? I know.
And I know it's not always easy and that I put you through hell sometimes. I know.
But I love you. I do. And I always will. You are my everything & I never want to lose you.

Please continue to stick it out with me. We have a good thing going. The ends just need to be tightened up a bit.

Listen. Watch. Let it soak into your soul.

The Lion's Roar by First Aid Kit

"Being logical is sometimes more necessary than our feelings.
Which are easily conflicted."
-Steph Rossano


Smart advice from a long lost, close friend given to me earlier tonight.
Crazy to think it's been a year since all this mishap has started.
Crazy to think I've been in an out of solitary confinement since September 23, 2011.
Crazy to think it keeps starting over, again and again.

Because I let it.
Because I have been feeling down.
Because I don't see the point of life.
Because I know it's not about just existing... it's about living.
But what is there to live for?


Seriously.

Hey. If you're reading this, then I've got to tell you that for the next 30 days or so, I will be out of touch. Where I'm going, I cannot say, at least for the time being... I cannot say where. I don't know for sure how long I will be gone, I don't know where I'm going to go when I am set free.

I don't know anything right now, to be honest. Other than, I am absolutely terrified.

But for the next month or so, and if you are reading this, please keep me in high hopes and in your prayers also.

I want to believe that God has got a hold on me.

And I want to come out of this stronger, healthier, and with such a passion for the things of Jesus.

I had a fire burning for Him once before, but it was quickly extinguished by the enemy.

This time...

I want the fire to stay. Through all seasons. And I want the power of Jesus to cast the enemy away. I want guardians surrounding me day and night, so that nothing other than God can touch me. That is what I am longing for.

That.

And getting clean.

For the last time. So that I never have to do this again.

Once and for all.

I will be set free... (I hope..)