Fear Pt. II

And then there's this kind of fear:

The fear that I am going to lose my father, especially now that I am out here with him.

There have been so many nights, including tonight, where sleep just does not come.
So many things running through my mind.

But tonight it's fear of losing my dad.

I guess that you could say at this point in time, I've lost my family... except for the fact that they've made their distance quite some time ago. And not to mention, I lost my mother almost 8 years ago. And then there's the fact that more than half my life, I've had this terrible abandonment issue.
So I think it's safe to say that all of the above might explain this current fear of mine.

And fearful, I am.

I don't know how to work through this, I don't know how to deal with this and I certainly have not been able to shake this.

But I do know that admitting such fears is the first step... right? And maybe getting it out through writing is the second? So, what's the third step? How do I shake it, does anyone know?

It keeps me up at night and has made me into the worst home-body there ever was, because I just want to know that he is ok and if he goes somewhere without me, I have to stay home... you understand why, right?
Because I need to know that he's ok, and I need to know that he made it home safe.

I don't know what to do.
Asking for prayer regarding this is a no brainer, but I'm also asking for something a little more tangible... say, like advice?

Please. Cause I'm stuck and I'm tired of letting this fear hold me back from getting out and going places, from making new friends and being 100% available to the very few friends I have made out here.

So, please... and a million times thank you for anything said from my readers. I truly love you all.

Happy heart

Well today, I got a very special phone call.. from a very special someone. Yes! First time since I've been out here that I have heard his voice. And it was so needed.

Not to get ahead of ourselves or anything BUT he's gonna be joining me on this journey, just as soon as he can.. which unfortunately will not be for quite some time. It's good though, because once he finishes what he needs to back home, he can come out here to Colorado and we no longer will have to be looking back over our shoulders or ducking out of view of every black & white that we see.

My goodness. Can time just fast forward already?!!

Keep going and don't stop.

I need to get myself out of this gloomy, strange slump that I've been in... and I need to just.. GO.

Just... go. Don't stop & just keep going. Welcome each day with excitement (where has the excitement gone!?), look for adventure, find it and dive head-first into it.

Changes.

It's hard to have strength when there's nothing to eat.
And it's hard to eat when you don't have the teeth.
And how, when you lose the one thing you love, there's nothing below and there's nothing above.

It's hard to accept what you don't understand.
And it's hard to launch without knowing how to land.
And how, when it burns, you can't change a thing...
You can soften the blow, but you can't stop the sting.

Well, I've been going through changes. I've been going through changes. I've been going through changes, oh, with nothing at all.

I am still yours, even if you're not mine.
I stare at the floor and I study the lines.
Oh, I took my place at the back of the crowd.
Baby I couldn't see, but at least it was loud.
At least it was loud.

I've been going through changes.
And I know that I've needed changes.. No, but not this.
Cause this is not painless, oh.
This is not painless.

"Going Through Changes" by Army of Me

I chose to post these song lyrics as my first post (in forever) while I'm in Denver because well, I AM going through changes. I'm somewhere new where I know no one (although thanks to a very dear friend back in LA, I have met a few girls), not to mention that I'm over 1,000 miles from the one I love absolutely most. And yes, some of these changes really are not painless... But it's not all bad, ya know. I'm in the city where my mom lived when she was my age AND I am out here with my Daddy. Which is amazing. We are getting to know each other not only as father-daughter, but also as friends... I'll write more about all of this later, but I just thought I'd start this blog up again.

Hope you enjoy reading because as you read, you are joining alongside me in this crazy journey.

And that just absolutely fills my heart. So, a very special thanks to all my readers... Love you all. So so much.

Importante.

Okay so to say the least, it has been a very crazy past couple of weeks.

And since this blog is dedicated to honesty, I will keep that now (even though I don't want to).
But you all deserve to know what's been going on, and where I'm at currently.
And I tell you knowing that judgement may very well be coming my way.

Well I am still at the sober living in Northridge that I've been at this whole time.
I just got back yesterday from a 3-day run, and not even two weeks ago, I relapsed after having 37 days under my belt. I have no reason, no excuse for what happened other than to say that I was quite "disconnected" and I didn't see the purpose in what I've been doing (AA, 12-step program stuff) or what the purpose in staying sober even is. I don't want to go into detail about what has happened while I've been out, but I will just let you know that lately it's been a struggle of where I see my life headed. I'd be lying to you if I said that sometimes I didn't feel like I'm doomed to this junkie life, and that I am worth no more than being found in a gutter with a needle in my arm... That's just the honest to God truth.

But I am back. Starting over, yet again. One day at a time.
Today, I'm dope-sick, but I'm safe. We'll see where this adventure of sobriety takes me.
I've got little fight left in me, but it's been enough to bring me back. So I'm here.
And taking life, once more, one day at a time. Sometimes, that's all we can do.

It's the end of the month and I know that due to my above update, I could lose many supporters, although I am praying that doesn't happen... There are necessities I need this month. (I am on restriction again, so I can't look for work right now...)
The first and foremost necessity is RENT MONEY. Rent here is $620 and that includes a monthly house fee, for supplies (i.e. laundry soap, dish soap, etc.).
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay at this sober living if I don't somehow come up with rent money, which means YOU who are reading this... I desperately NEED your help. ANY and ALL financial help would be SOOO appreciated. Please email me if you can help in ANY way.
youaregreaterthan@gmail.com
There are other necessities, but rent is first. Please help. You'd be helping save just one life.
Thank you for your support. I am eternally grateful.

Because I just want you to know where I'm at.

I'm going to be honest here, so prepare yourself if you must.
Because I just want you to know where I'm at.

Every single day I go through this agonizing game of tug-of-war.
I'm talking head in my hands, sweat dripping, body writhing, my muscles pulling me in a thousand different directions.
I'm talking about the hold that heroin (still, unfortunately) has on me.
I'm talking about the obsession to use, the sometimes thought that all of this just doesn't seem worth it and that I really don't mind going back to that pit of hell that I just barely made it out of.
And when I say "this" doesn't seem worth it at times,
I'm talking about fighting this ever-constant thought, I'm talking about fighting for my recovery, I'm talking about fighting for my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough when I feel like I'm doing everything I can, I'm not doing a "good enough" job, I'm not changing, nothing has changed, I'm too weak, I'm not worth fighting for (because why isn't anyone fighting for me?), I'm completely worthless as a human being, I keep fucking up when I'm supposed to be having this amazing "spiritual awakening", I am a disappointment, I can't get it right, I can't let things that I've done in the past go, I can't let my guard down, I can't let God in completely, I am scared.
I am scared of being a disappointment, I'm scared of letting you down, I'm scared of not getting this right, I'm scared that I'll keep messing up in the meantime, I'm scared of being too comfortable, I'm scared of jumping head-first into the unknown, I'm scared of letting my guard down and having the people around me see me for who and what I really am. The past plays a big part in this and the person that I know myself to be now is the person that I was not even 40 days ago. And it's hard to let that one go, it's hard to accept forgiveness not even just from God, but most importantly from myself.

But I was told yesterday from someone I consider closer than blood, that I am not a bad person.
I am not a bad person. I'm not. He just kept repeating that after I told him all the shit I've done, "You're not a bad person, you're not a bad person, you're not..."
I just wish I could believe that. I want to. So badly. So fucking bad.

So this post is just to let you know that I am fighting every damn day for my sobriety, my sanity, my faith, and my life. Please join me in this. Because I need you, my supporters, now MORE than ever.
I need you, because I'm starting to lose sight. I feel I'm beginning to lose this battle, I feel weak. I need you to fight not only for but with me. Please.

Rainy day loneliness.

Today, it is raining and today, autumn gloom fills the sky.
Today, it is dark and it is dreary.
And today like all others, I live for the beauty of it. And today, most of all, I love it.

But this is my time to fall in love, I believe that goes for most of us this time of year.

So as happy, content, at peace, encouraged, willing and patient as I am, I wonder why it's not going the way I dreamed it would.

I want to be swept off my feet, and completely immersed in the freedom of love. But I'm not... I'm waiting.

I'm not very good at waiting, afterall.

Here's to bands like: Copeland Brand New, Thrice, Further Seems Forever... they know how to take my rainy day loneliness away.