karma's the biggest bitch

What was supposed to be my life has now, apparently, been handed off to another girl.

I feel cheated. I feel neglected.

I feel like I've been used up and tossed aside. 

But the broken-hearted sucker I am, I'm hoping that I've been tossed aside for a rainy day. Because lately, I've had nothing but rainy days and I know you have too.

He was/is everything to me, the only thing I want in this life is to be with him. But I've been cheated out of that life and it's. not. fair.

I get it now. Everything I did to him. He's throwing all that back my way. I get it. I hurt you bad, but I never ever ever hurt you like this. 

and. it's. not. fair. 

Happiness - only real when shared.

Why do I do this to myself so constantly...? I know from the start how it will turn out and I have yet for my intuition to be wrong.

... but I did it again.

This is, I think, the biggest reason why I miss my friends back home so much... because the respect goes both ways and I'm never left to wonder if I'm even noticed or appreciated, but most of all... I know that I'm needed. And that, again, goes both ways.

Maybe I just haven't met the right people or maybe I'm the snobbiest, most stuck up know it all bitch ever..... but that just isn't how it is out here. I swear there's something in the water.

If we meet and I want us to know each other and be friends, you now become the primary focus of my attention: I will do all things, in my power, for you. I think of little things that might make you smile, and I do them. I make it known to you that I am here for you. No matter the day, the time, the circumstance.... and I might be a bit aggressive but you NEED to know, without question and without judgment, that
I. am. here.
If you need something that I have, it's now yours. Whatever you want, if I have it - it's yours. And even if I don't have it, I will find a way to get it. For you.

Because you are my friend.
Because I love you with everything and all of me.
Because your happiness is more important than my own.
Because your everything is more important than mine.
Always.

It's kind of funny, reflecting on this now, because growing up I was always told that I should start thinking of others more than myself and put others above & before me.
I can confidently say that I understand what that looks like now and even when it's not always perfect - no matter what - I will never not pour myself out and give and give and give until I'm so shrivelled and dried up that there is nothing left and I am no more. This will be the death of me, I swear.

I'm not complaining or trying to make myself look wonderful. I'm just stating a fact - that if you really know me, you will know it's true. I only have one question because I'm seriously starting to lose heart....

Why, even when people walk all over me and fuck me over again and again, do I still love them - them who do not realize or acknowledge my heart, and even me...?

I'm starting to lose it, in every way (probably) because I have never ever ever ever before in my life felt this alone.
And I don't know what to do. Or how to go forward from here. Because after the past 5 years of nonsense and bullshit and my own personal demolition, there is something I lack because I don't even know how to meet people my age and make friends like I used to.

I'm just so tired of always being by myself and on my own. Life wasn't meant to be lived like this and in the words of Alexander Supertramp, "happiness is only real when shared."

Keep me in your prayers in the days to come. I've got a bit of a rough road ahead.

Hey friends,

I am writing to you now because I am in desperate need of your help, whether it be financial help or simply sending your thoughts and prayers.

I have nowhere else to turn and although I know I have asked in the past, right now is urgent. And I understand if you may be skeptical in doing so, but I assure you that this is a real emergency. I wanted to keep this vague, but if you would like to know what is going on, feel free to send me a message.

I am on my knees right now, hoping, pleading, and praying that you find it in your heart to bless/help me financially. Every dollar helps.

I love you all and I thank you in advance for any help you may give.....

May hearts be  open, I pray.

I am the walking dead.

Sometimes I wish a zombie apocalypse would happen, because I like to think that I would be a different person...

It would force me to become a better person, and I would be a better person for it.

I would be stronger, I would be courageous. I wouldn't be stuck... I wouldn't be addicted.

I can't help but feel like nothing will change, that I won't change, unless I'm forced into it. I don't mean forced as in: locked up, being in rehab, etc...

I mean a huge, drastic force... I'm talking an end of the world force.

Here comes the sun, little darlin.

So, there's something I must admit. Brace yourselves, you may not be able to handle it...

I have not been writing....
Not. At. All.

I bet you're wondering why I find this big enough of a deal that I need to confess (haha). But this is why: because writing is my outlet, because I'm damn good at it, and because, damn it, I'm a writer!

So now you're probably wondering what it is that's stopped me from really stepping into my art. And though it really is NOT justifiable, the reason is this: I've been going through many, many, many, many changes in the past two months. And everything is (finally) just now starting to catch up with me, and my vision/view, thoughts and feelings are finally becoming clear to me. So that is my reason for writing this blog post.

But as for everything that's been going on, my feelings/thoughts/etc about it all, I can't go into detail because there is much sorting these thoughts out and making a plan that needs to happen first.

I think this may be a start for me, to pick up my pen and start writing again. And there will be much, much, much writing following the publishing of this post.
Personal writing, that is. Not public. Or at least not yet.. I just mainly wanted my readers to know that I'm still alive and kicking. Well actually, more like trudging along. But you get the point.

As always, a huge thanks to those who take the time to read and respond. And another huge thanks to those of you who believe in me. Still & even now. Thank you.

Where has all the time gone..?

It's time.

Time to make a plan,
and time to look into open opportunities & availabilities.

Time to make some changes.

I want to come home.

Fear Pt. II

And then there's this kind of fear:

The fear that I am going to lose my father, especially now that I am out here with him.

There have been so many nights, including tonight, where sleep just does not come.
So many things running through my mind.

But tonight it's fear of losing my dad.

I guess that you could say at this point in time, I've lost my family... except for the fact that they've made their distance quite some time ago. And not to mention, I lost my mother almost 8 years ago. And then there's the fact that more than half my life, I've had this terrible abandonment issue.
So I think it's safe to say that all of the above might explain this current fear of mine.

And fearful, I am.

I don't know how to work through this, I don't know how to deal with this and I certainly have not been able to shake this.

But I do know that admitting such fears is the first step... right? And maybe getting it out through writing is the second? So, what's the third step? How do I shake it, does anyone know?

It keeps me up at night and has made me into the worst home-body there ever was, because I just want to know that he is ok and if he goes somewhere without me, I have to stay home... you understand why, right?
Because I need to know that he's ok, and I need to know that he made it home safe.

I don't know what to do.
Asking for prayer regarding this is a no brainer, but I'm also asking for something a little more tangible... say, like advice?

Please. Cause I'm stuck and I'm tired of letting this fear hold me back from getting out and going places, from making new friends and being 100% available to the very few friends I have made out here.

So, please... and a million times thank you for anything said from my readers. I truly love you all.

Happy heart

Well today, I got a very special phone call.. from a very special someone. Yes! First time since I've been out here that I have heard his voice. And it was so needed.

Not to get ahead of ourselves or anything BUT he's gonna be joining me on this journey, just as soon as he can.. which unfortunately will not be for quite some time. It's good though, because once he finishes what he needs to back home, he can come out here to Colorado and we no longer will have to be looking back over our shoulders or ducking out of view of every black & white that we see.

My goodness. Can time just fast forward already?!!

Keep going and don't stop.

I need to get myself out of this gloomy, strange slump that I've been in... and I need to just.. GO.

Just... go. Don't stop & just keep going. Welcome each day with excitement (where has the excitement gone!?), look for adventure, find it and dive head-first into it.

Changes.

It's hard to have strength when there's nothing to eat.
And it's hard to eat when you don't have the teeth.
And how, when you lose the one thing you love, there's nothing below and there's nothing above.

It's hard to accept what you don't understand.
And it's hard to launch without knowing how to land.
And how, when it burns, you can't change a thing...
You can soften the blow, but you can't stop the sting.

Well, I've been going through changes. I've been going through changes. I've been going through changes, oh, with nothing at all.

I am still yours, even if you're not mine.
I stare at the floor and I study the lines.
Oh, I took my place at the back of the crowd.
Baby I couldn't see, but at least it was loud.
At least it was loud.

I've been going through changes.
And I know that I've needed changes.. No, but not this.
Cause this is not painless, oh.
This is not painless.

"Going Through Changes" by Army of Me

I chose to post these song lyrics as my first post (in forever) while I'm in Denver because well, I AM going through changes. I'm somewhere new where I know no one (although thanks to a very dear friend back in LA, I have met a few girls), not to mention that I'm over 1,000 miles from the one I love absolutely most. And yes, some of these changes really are not painless... But it's not all bad, ya know. I'm in the city where my mom lived when she was my age AND I am out here with my Daddy. Which is amazing. We are getting to know each other not only as father-daughter, but also as friends... I'll write more about all of this later, but I just thought I'd start this blog up again.

Hope you enjoy reading because as you read, you are joining alongside me in this crazy journey.

And that just absolutely fills my heart. So, a very special thanks to all my readers... Love you all. So so much.

Importante.

Okay so to say the least, it has been a very crazy past couple of weeks.

And since this blog is dedicated to honesty, I will keep that now (even though I don't want to).
But you all deserve to know what's been going on, and where I'm at currently.
And I tell you knowing that judgement may very well be coming my way.

Well I am still at the sober living in Northridge that I've been at this whole time.
I just got back yesterday from a 3-day run, and not even two weeks ago, I relapsed after having 37 days under my belt. I have no reason, no excuse for what happened other than to say that I was quite "disconnected" and I didn't see the purpose in what I've been doing (AA, 12-step program stuff) or what the purpose in staying sober even is. I don't want to go into detail about what has happened while I've been out, but I will just let you know that lately it's been a struggle of where I see my life headed. I'd be lying to you if I said that sometimes I didn't feel like I'm doomed to this junkie life, and that I am worth no more than being found in a gutter with a needle in my arm... That's just the honest to God truth.

But I am back. Starting over, yet again. One day at a time.
Today, I'm dope-sick, but I'm safe. We'll see where this adventure of sobriety takes me.
I've got little fight left in me, but it's been enough to bring me back. So I'm here.
And taking life, once more, one day at a time. Sometimes, that's all we can do.

It's the end of the month and I know that due to my above update, I could lose many supporters, although I am praying that doesn't happen... There are necessities I need this month. (I am on restriction again, so I can't look for work right now...)
The first and foremost necessity is RENT MONEY. Rent here is $620 and that includes a monthly house fee, for supplies (i.e. laundry soap, dish soap, etc.).
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay at this sober living if I don't somehow come up with rent money, which means YOU who are reading this... I desperately NEED your help. ANY and ALL financial help would be SOOO appreciated. Please email me if you can help in ANY way.
youaregreaterthan@gmail.com
There are other necessities, but rent is first. Please help. You'd be helping save just one life.
Thank you for your support. I am eternally grateful.

Because I just want you to know where I'm at.

I'm going to be honest here, so prepare yourself if you must.
Because I just want you to know where I'm at.

Every single day I go through this agonizing game of tug-of-war.
I'm talking head in my hands, sweat dripping, body writhing, my muscles pulling me in a thousand different directions.
I'm talking about the hold that heroin (still, unfortunately) has on me.
I'm talking about the obsession to use, the sometimes thought that all of this just doesn't seem worth it and that I really don't mind going back to that pit of hell that I just barely made it out of.
And when I say "this" doesn't seem worth it at times,
I'm talking about fighting this ever-constant thought, I'm talking about fighting for my recovery, I'm talking about fighting for my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough when I feel like I'm doing everything I can, I'm not doing a "good enough" job, I'm not changing, nothing has changed, I'm too weak, I'm not worth fighting for (because why isn't anyone fighting for me?), I'm completely worthless as a human being, I keep fucking up when I'm supposed to be having this amazing "spiritual awakening", I am a disappointment, I can't get it right, I can't let things that I've done in the past go, I can't let my guard down, I can't let God in completely, I am scared.
I am scared of being a disappointment, I'm scared of letting you down, I'm scared of not getting this right, I'm scared that I'll keep messing up in the meantime, I'm scared of being too comfortable, I'm scared of jumping head-first into the unknown, I'm scared of letting my guard down and having the people around me see me for who and what I really am. The past plays a big part in this and the person that I know myself to be now is the person that I was not even 40 days ago. And it's hard to let that one go, it's hard to accept forgiveness not even just from God, but most importantly from myself.

But I was told yesterday from someone I consider closer than blood, that I am not a bad person.
I am not a bad person. I'm not. He just kept repeating that after I told him all the shit I've done, "You're not a bad person, you're not a bad person, you're not..."
I just wish I could believe that. I want to. So badly. So fucking bad.

So this post is just to let you know that I am fighting every damn day for my sobriety, my sanity, my faith, and my life. Please join me in this. Because I need you, my supporters, now MORE than ever.
I need you, because I'm starting to lose sight. I feel I'm beginning to lose this battle, I feel weak. I need you to fight not only for but with me. Please.

Rainy day loneliness.

Today, it is raining and today, autumn gloom fills the sky.
Today, it is dark and it is dreary.
And today like all others, I live for the beauty of it. And today, most of all, I love it.

But this is my time to fall in love, I believe that goes for most of us this time of year.

So as happy, content, at peace, encouraged, willing and patient as I am, I wonder why it's not going the way I dreamed it would.

I want to be swept off my feet, and completely immersed in the freedom of love. But I'm not... I'm waiting.

I'm not very good at waiting, afterall.

Here's to bands like: Copeland Brand New, Thrice, Further Seems Forever... they know how to take my rainy day loneliness away.

Hey, remember that time that Bradley Hathaway wrote a song about me and sang it at a house show?
Yeah, that was awesome. Why do I so easily forget all the good, fun times that I've had?

Shoot. Today's a day of reflecting, but not dwelling. And today is good. I'm claiming that.

I am seriously so blessed, and I consider myself to be quite a lucky girl these days.
Sobriety is awesome, step work is going great, and after much fighting, I have given myself over to the care of God (as I understand Him... I've got a lot to learn).

Today is day 22 and I have never felt better!
So again, I can't say it enough... THANK YOU to all my supporters! You guys rock.

I cannot sleep.
No idea what just happened.
How can I push you away when all I want is to be completely woven around everything that you are?

11.

This is my 11th try at rehab, sober living, whatever you want to call it.
In. The. Past. Year.

Sometimes I really can't help but to think, "Are you kidding me?!? ANOTHER goddamn sober living? Are you freaking kidding???" And that's what I think maybe 551 times a day, everyday.
I absolutely hate the fact that this is where I am, that I can't seem to get it... that I haven't gotten it yet.
But I'm putting myself into this program wholeheartedly (along with some other things...) and I so far have had mini "spiritual awakenings" - or whatever you want to call them. So, I'm doing this. I'm here now. And I've accepted that. Just a bit pissed at the fact that I could have got this shit down a year ago, but was too strung out to care or even see the big picture. But again, I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere. Just sometimes have little doubts, and discouragements by thoughts that make me think about this the way that I do. That's all. Just wanted to share, because I'm trying this new thing where I stay honest. And that ain't easy.

Night on the town.

Went to the LA Farmer's Market last night with this gem, and then we spent the next 3 hours at Da Poetry Lounge, engaging with and listening to people's hearts.

This was my favorite poem of the night:

Pass On by Michael Lee

When searching for the lost remember 8 things.

1. 
We are vessels. We are circuit boards
swallowing the electricity of life upon birth.
It wheels through us creating every moment,
the pulse of a story, the soft hums of labor and love.
In our last moment it will come rushing 
from our chests and be given back to the wind.
When we die. We go everywhere.

2. 
Newton said energy is neither created nor destroyed.
In the halls of my middle school I can still hear 
my friend Stephen singing his favorite song. 
In the gymnasium I can still hear 
the way he dribbled that basketball like it was a mallet 
and the earth was a xylophone.
With an ear to the Atlantic I can hear
the Titanic's band playing her to sleep,
Music. Wind. Music. Wind.

3. 
The day my grandfather passed away there was the strongest wind, 
I could feel his gentle hands blowing away from me. 
I knew then they were off to find someone 
who needed them more than I did.
On average 1.8 people on earth die every second.
There is always a gust of wind somewhere.

4. 
The day Stephen was murdered
everything that made us love him rushed from his knife wounds
as though his chest were an auditorium
his life an audience leaving single file.
Every ounce of him has been 
wrapping around this world in a windstorm
I have been looking for him for 9 years.



5.
Our bodies are nothing more than hosts to a collection of brilliant things.
When someone dies I do not weep over polaroids or belongings,
I begin to look for the lightning that has left them,
I feel out the strongest breeze and take off running.

6.
After 9 years I found Stephen.
I passed a basketball court in Boston
the point guard dribbled like he had a stadium roaring in his palms
Wilt Chamberlain pumping in his feet,
his hands flashing like x-rays,
a cross-over, a wrap-around
rewinding, turn-tables cracking open,
camera-men turn flash bulbs to fireworks.
Seven games and he never missed a shot,
his hands were luminous.
Pulsing. Pulsing.
I asked him how long he'd been playing,
he said nine 9 years

7. 
The theory of six degrees of separation 

was never meant to show how many people we can find,
it was a set of directions for how to find the people we have lost.

I found your voice Stephen,
found it in a young boy in Michigan who was always singing,
his lungs flapping like sails
I found your smile in Australia, 
a young girls teeth shining like the opera house in your neck,
I saw your one true love come to life on the asphalt of Boston.

8. 
We are not created or destroyed,
we are constantly transferred, shifted and renewed.
Everything we are is given to us.
Death does not come when a body is too exhausted to live
Death comes, because the brilliance inside us can only be contained for so long.
We do not die. We pass on, pass on the lightning burning through our throats.
when you leave me I will not cry for you
I will run into the strongest wind I can find
and welcome you home.

A huge thanks.

I am finding that I have a very large support system, and for that I am forever grateful.
So, thank you. To everyone who reads this and is either affected by my words, or has something to say.
I appreciate every word from you guys.

Thank you for the encouragement, the love and the never-ending support.
I really could not do this without you.