Hey. If you're reading this, then I've got to tell you that for the next 30 days or so, I will be out of touch. Where I'm going, I cannot say, at least for the time being... I cannot say where. I don't know for sure how long I will be gone, I don't know where I'm going to go when I am set free.

I don't know anything right now, to be honest. Other than, I am absolutely terrified.

But for the next month or so, and if you are reading this, please keep me in high hopes and in your prayers also.

I want to believe that God has got a hold on me.

And I want to come out of this stronger, healthier, and with such a passion for the things of Jesus.

I had a fire burning for Him once before, but it was quickly extinguished by the enemy.

This time...

I want the fire to stay. Through all seasons. And I want the power of Jesus to cast the enemy away. I want guardians surrounding me day and night, so that nothing other than God can touch me. That is what I am longing for.

That.

And getting clean.

For the last time. So that I never have to do this again.

Once and for all.

I will be set free... (I hope..)

Got this in an email tonight from my dear friend, Heather.

I seriously am so blessed and so encouraged

by all of your prayers. Thank you so so much.

God's got something up His sleeve, I can feel it.

I trust that He knows what He's doing and that

He works all things together for the good of those

who love Him. I trust that He has hold of me,

He hasn't let me go yet, and I know that He won't

ever give up on me and that He has been waiting

for quite some time now with open arms for me

to turn from my old ways and receive His goodness,

His mercy, His grace, His freedom, His love.

He's holding my hand right now

and I'm turning towards Him, saying

"Alright, God. Let's go."

And my heart is so full right now because I know that He won't let go.

(You have to click on the picture to make it bigger)

I don't want anything else..

Stop thinking of myself.

DO THINGS FOR OTHERS.

I do not exist. I do not exist. I do not exist.

Complete surrender and humility.

Get on a regular schedule.

Make for myself a regular/healthy diet.

One thing I will tell you is that hearing the words, "I love you" really just cannot be said enough. My heart just got a little bit more full than it was a few minutes ago.

Thank you, God, for my aunt and my uncle.

Please continue to bless our relationship now and forevermore.

Let them know that I am so grateful for everything they've ever done for me.

And that I love them more than they will ever know.

I just hope that one day, I will make them proud.

All in.

Just wondering if I should give up.

Just wondering if this really is right, or if I just want it to be.

Just wondering if they would all trust me & let me try again.

Just wondering if I'll amount to anything.

Just wondering what my destiny is.

Just wondering why God brought me here.........

Just wondering how this is all supposed to work out.

Just wondering if they even believe in me at all.

Just wondering when God is going to show up,

and I'm just wondering if He would please forgive me...?

For it all.

For everything.

For the lies, the hidden agendas.

For my hardened heart, my rebellious ways.

For denying the truth and walking away.

For seeing the light but rejecting it again and again.

For everything inside of me that tells me I'm not worth it...

That I'm not good enough.

That I'm nothing but a liar, a thief, a hypocrite & an avid drug user.

That I'll never be sober.

That I should just give up because God isn't there...

Because I'm too much for Him.

Because I'm too much for everyone else.

Because their love is conditional and they are not constant.

Because family doesn't exist.

Because I'm going to end up just like my mom.

God, if You could, would You please take this from me? And if for some reason You can't, because maybe it's all just to reflect You (which I very much would like to believe), then would You please give me the strength and the head knowledge to sift through the lies? God, if You are able and if You are up to the challenge, then would You please take my worn-out heart/spirit and refresh me and make me whole again? God, would You please spark a fire in me? A fire burning throughout my being that desires to spend time with You, that will choose truth over lies and a fire that will keep my gaze focused on You only. God, would You please re-direct my focus; God, please, renew my soul. I know that You work all things together for good and I know that You are a God of promises and I know that You took my sins upon Your precious son. I know now that I can't disappoint You and I know now that You won't turn Your back on me. Ever. I know that nothing can take me from the grasp You have on my life and I know only in You, I can find my purpose, destiny, belonging and identity. God, now I ask for full transformation, and I am aware that surrender, repentance and asking forgiveness is the only way to make said transformation possible. One last joyride and I am done.

Jesus, would You forgive? Take it alllll away from me. Go crazy and may Your will be done above all else.

I am done.

I am done.

I am worth it.

I have a destiny and it is now.

I have a purpose and it is unfolding.

I belong.

Jesus is here.

Jesus is here.

Jesus is here.

Jesus loves me.

Jesus forgives me.

Jesus covers me. In. His. Blood.

The perfect sacrifice, my sins covered.

Help me to see it.

Help me to believe it.

Help me to live it.

Jesus, I need You by my side.

I need You to cover me.

I need Your strength.

I need Your truth.

I need You.

I am forgiven.

Practice makes perfect.

Haven't drawn in quite some time, and I'll be humble enough to admit that this drawing is pretty awful. I'm not fishing for compliments; I just know that I can do much better if/when I put the effort into it and practice Practice, practice, practice.

Anyways, I just wanted to show you my little kid sketch. Was talking to a dear friend earlier tonight and she suggested that I start playing with art again, and so this was my first attempt seriously in like 2+ years. It's been too long, but it's not too late to start up again. Yes and amen.

-Taken from the wonderful Kelsie Lynn, who is currently serving at YWAM Sunny Coast in Australia

Masterpiece lives.

I lurk and I'm distracted and then I'm struck with the greenest envy
due to your
meaningful
unwavering
exciting
masterpiece lives.

I want my life to be a masterpiece someday. One in which, someone will stumble upon it and be struck with envy & inspiration the way that I am. I just want to live meaningfully and I want every fiber in my soul to not be moved, shaken... to be unwavering, completely so.
I just want to live with a purpose, and I just want to be healed and fit for Kingdom work.
That is all.

Reassuring.

It's nice to hear things like, "I'm so glad you're here."

Gives me just a little more confirmation that this is where I'm supposed to be.

As for what's about to take place, it feels far and I'm so unaware

but I know that God's in control and I know that He has me here for a reason.

So let that reason take place.

I am ready, but I pray that God readies me even more.

Scattered thoughts about work.

Goodwill Colton: My coworkers are pretty sweet and they are quite fun to work with. It's a lot slower here at this store, mostly because the store just opened up this past February and people are still just finding out about it. This store is a lot bigger than my old store in Santa Clarita, which is nice because there's actually room for lots and lots of people's unwanted crap... not to mention, we have some really nice things at this store. So, it's a nice break from the craziness and stress at my old store.

Glimpse of summer.

Goal accomplished! Earlier this summer, I said that I wanted to start taking photos of just everyday life. I even bought myself a camera for my birthday, it's a Holga and I got it for only $20!!! (which is almost unheard of, if you know what a Holga is). A lot of the photos I took with my Holga didn't turn out, I'm still learning about double exposure, the bulb setting and all that nonsense. More to come though!

And now, I'm setting a new goal for myself. Today is officially day one of life in the IE. I'm gonna start a new journal, and I'm gonna take time every week, every day, five times a day, to sit and write and read and write and then write some more... to make time daily (or at least, I hope daily) for myself, to get away and be quiet, to sit and observe, to just BE.

Feels like home.

Feels like this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Not my will, but Yours be done.

Summer is leaving, and a new season is taking its place.

This summer was one of: challenge, depth, strength, friendship and I am/have been finding myself (again) in the midst of the chaos.

Summer is now gone, and a new season is taking its place.

This new season holds something that is secret, hidden... Something beautiful that awaits to be unfolded, discovered.

I've been patient, I am ready & I am open.

What's up Inland Empire...

Tomorrow, you will be all mine.

I am so ready for this journey to take place.

How'd it happen, you ask...

Well, a few months back I went to visit some friends and family out in the IE and the weekend held such confirmation that I needed to be out there and so since then, everything has been falling into place... Living situation, job, etc. And I think that's God's way of saying "Yes, this is where I want you."

So to be completely honest, I have no idea what's gonna go down or how this is going to work but I am being faithful to the calling that I felt just a few months ago. I have such peace and I feel almost like I'm falling into the plan that God has for me. I'm falling into Him and I'm letting go of everything else.

Random, rushed thoughts. But just wanted to say that I'm really looking forward to this journey ahead of me... Starting tomorrow. Yes.

do you believe me? i bet you won't.

i once knew a pretty girl and she was in love with the world.

and she loved the young man who saw her body but never saw her mind and he took everything she had kept and then took everything else that was left.

but no one believed her.

no one believed her.

Hiiiiiiii.

This evening was one of the best that I've had in quite some time.

Went to Ventura.

Sold to Buffalo Exchange - made $46!!!

Went on a mini-hike.

Went thrifting.

Went to the beach.

Talked. Reminisced. Laughed.

Loved.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I needed tonight so much,

not to mention that the weather was

ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS...

Overcast. Cold.

Such a nice change from this triple-digit weather.

And suchhhh a nice change from the lonely feelings I've been having.

Sometimes I think you just need to let yourself fall in love.

Maybe not with anyone or anything in particular,

but just really

let

yourself

fall.

Persecution.

You know what this feels like..? It feels like this is what everyone wanted, and so they all teamed up on me to get what they think I deserve. And it's hard not to feel that this isn't what I deserve. And it's hard not to feel these people that I once trusted have completely shot me in the back and they don't give a shit about it. They only care that they think they're right.

It's hard not to feel like that.

And so I have to move out the day before my birthday... Haha. Happy birthday to me.

THIS IS OUR WORSHIP.

^^^This video was taken 2 years ago & I'm posting it to give you an idea of what went down last night. Spoken word. Truth. Proclamation. Dedication. Family. WORSHIP.

We are the feared generation, an army is arising. Wake up, wake up!

SCREAM THE PRAYER 2011

Someone was holding a sign that said "Need prayer? It's free."

Skye and I were walking by him and I thought (a little bit too) out-loud "Man, I need to be prayed over" and so Skye, being the amazing get-it-done girl that she is, forced me to talk to the guy and to be completely transparent with him. And so I did. He and his friend prayed over me, prayers declaring release from the bondage of addiction and sin, prayers recognizing God's glory and prayers asking the Holy Spirit to come and descend upon me in that place, at that exact moment.

A few hours later, I was able to build up courage & destroy my pride in asking Tommy Green to pray for me. And he did. We talked about some things that have been going on with me over the past year - faithlessness, addiction, etc. - and he looked me in the eye, put my hands in his and his friend (that he was with at the time) put his hands on my shoulders. And they prayed over me, prayers against all schemes of the Evil One, prayers asking Jesus to fill me with His presence, prayers declaring freedom, forgiveness and an already-paid debt. He spoke truth, he received words from the Lord and he gave me a vision - of the foundation of my faith becoming known once more by reading Scripture, figuring out who Jesus really is and being absolutely fascinated by Him.

Through physical touch, the Spirit made way through and from Tommy over to me and he said that he could see in my eyes just how badly I want and hunger for Jesus. And I do. I want Him so bad. And it was through physical touch that I was given a hug, one that I have so desperately been aching for but it was no ordinary hug. No, this was one full of love, acceptance, forgiveness & power and as Tommy hugged me, I could feel soo strongly that it was from God and that He had chosen Tommy at that exact moment to manifest Himself in, to give me that bear-hug from Himself that I have been only dreaming of. And tonight, that dream that I thought could never happen became reality.

I was blessed, I was filled, and I repeated a simple prayer of repentance that Tommy laid out for me. And I meant every word. And I understand now that just as the sunrise is simply beautiful and we can accept that without trying to figure out why it's so beautiful, so it is the same with with God... I see His love for me, His forgiveness, grace, mercy & gentleness and I can accept that without needing to know exactly why/how it all works.

And there was no better way to end the night than worshipping with Sleeping Giant. Front row, completely surrounded, and dripping sweat. Dancing, screaming & singing along with hundreds of kids, all out to Jesus... absolutely 100% priceless. There is no other way I'd rather do it.

"You are loved"

"You are not forgotten"

"Your name is written on My palm"

"You are forgiven, I forgive you"

"You are not cast out"

"I will never forget you"

"I will never forget you"

"You will never be taken from my grasp"

"I will never leave you"

"I love you"

"I love you"

"I love you"

**I would like to mention, though, that in no way do I "idolize" Tommy Green, nor do I put him on any sort of pedestal. He is just simply filled with the Spirit & the Presence of the Living God and it just seeps out of him. No, I do not idolize him. I just look up to him and I would love for my relationship with Jesus to one day overflow without limit.

"Knock it off."

Tonight's pivotal moments were provided by none other than my good friend, Dallas... and tonight is one of those nights that I will never forget because tonight holds potential for my life to change drastically. Which is so needed.

We sat at Starbucks for nearly 4 hours just talking the night away. He's a good friend, a great help and just one of those people who slap me in the face to set me straight because he thinks that I'm better than who I've been these past few months. And he's right, because this isn't who I am.

And so I will be on the path to recovery and I will be facing my shit head on, and I won't back down. I will see it, acknowledge it and give it up. And in the meantime, I will be tearing apart my Bible because there's so much that I don't understand, so much that is unfathomable to me, so much that I need to uncover and believe for myself... because I want to see the light in the midst of this heavy darkness and because I want to be proactive in how I spend my time and because I have been so faithless and full of dread and because I want to believe and I want to be passionate and reckless again. I want. I need. I want. I want. I NEED.

I. am. blessed. Ridiculously so.

In the span of one week, I went to different house shows in two different cities all to see two different people play two very different types of music.

1) Ben White & Gab: Very thought-provoking, and what used to be salvation-seeking. Good audience interaction, two very talented guys who have been hit with an on-going season of doubting and figuring it out for themselves what it means to be connected to God.

2) Bradley Hathaway: Spiritually heavy, a little bit haunting and completely full of the truth that goes past all the doubt, confusion, hurt and sorrow right into the core of your heart and you are left feeling just a little more burdened than you were before, simply because every word is true and you know it, you connect with it, you get it.

They were two of the most incredible nights that I have had this past year, filled with open hearts, open minds & open windows into the souls of others. I am completely and forever moved by the words of Bradley, and I don't mean this in a "fanatical" way. I simply mean that I can relate in the sense that he has a way of describing things that my soul hardly can begin to comprehend.

And I can relate to this because this is what everything in me is aching for:

"In her fairy tales and sweetest dreams, she found Jesus on her own.
And He told her that He loved her and that He would be her home.
And He danced and He sang His songs over her as she slept at night.
And she felt His joy, she felt His peace, His gentleness and His might.

She believed that He bore her pain and that He bore it in His side.
But to believe He loved her so was just so much that she would hide.
For His love was too dangerous and how could He dare to love her the unlovable..? It just didn't seem fair."

(from "She was Raised by a Man with a Sickness")

Look up into the sky, love.

This morning, I woke up thinkin "What the heck am I doing".
I have been hit with such a heavy burden, I don't know where it's coming from and I don't know what to do about it.
My heart aches for something.. more, something bigger.


Help.

So, the other night I decided to go to Simi Valley because two friends were randomly staying at a hotel there for the night. I got there around 12:30am and didn't leave until about 4am because I had not seen these friends (Jordan & George) in quite some time, so we just stayed up through the night talking and catching up on the past year and where we've been, also where we are now. It was such a sweet time of fellowship.

And I'm so joyous to say that was not the only time I've hung out with them or talked to them. A couple nights later, there was a house show in Long Beach that I went to and Jordan met me there, and after the show I met up with George at his house in Orange and he took me to this sweet little coffee shop called McClean's and we were there til about 2am (the place doesn't close til 3am.. rad). It was just another night of awesome fellowship and just rad conversation.

I'm writing about this because I absolutely cherish these guys and I am blessed to know them, seriously so blessed. They're both so rad. And I'm also writing about this because the past couple nights with them has been SUCH a blessing to me; my heart has been craving this sorta conversation & fellowship... and it's been completely provided. How amazing is that?! Man, my heart is on overload right now.

Just some of the people I love the most.

I just would like to be made whole.

So, I've been going to all sorts of meetings lately -- Counseling, grief share, etc etc etc.

The one that's really gotten to me so far is the grief share group. It's held weekly at a church close-by.
It's literally been rocking my world. I hesitate before going each week, because it's the one thing that I've put off for 6 years, yet it's the root of every problem that I have in my life. I never want to go, but I've left each group so thankful that I decided to bite the bullet and actually go. The usual layout of these meetings is this: we watch a video explaining different stages of grief and then we sit in a circle (or in smaller groups) and we discuss the video. It probably sounds cliche and maybe sort of strange, but I will say that it's been helping me a lot. Being surrounded in a group of people (sometimes 5, sometimes 15) who understand what I am dealing with has been really encouraging. It's encouraging, even inspiring, to see these same people week after week and it's encouraging because here we are in the midst of terrible tragedy and heart-breaking loss, but we are not alone and we are dealing with it, we are getting help, we are receiving help. We are there for each other, there are shoulders to cry on and there are memories to be shared. And that's so important, I think, when you are grieving: to simply share your memories with someone else.
It's not always so easy at these groups and you'd be surprised how much anger can be tied in with losing someone close to you and a lot of times, I leave feeling so burdened with my loss and just so desperately sad.
BUT I still go and as much as I never really want to go, I do want to go at the same time. Clearly, it's just time for me to deal with and sort through losing my mom. It's time to face it head-on because that's the only way that I can fully recover, because this is the one thing that has held me back for the past 6 years and because I intend to dig deep to get to the core of it.
It's hard, but I'm determined.

(Sorry if this is all just rambled thought)

So tired but I just don't want to sleep.

Weekend in the IE.

So. Much. Confirmation.

(I will write more about the weekend later).

A full night's rest,

followed by some things to look forward to!

This weekend: Making my way to the Inland Empire.

June 27-29: Refreshment for the soul @ Hume Lake.

July 12: Kingdom Days in an Evil Age - new SG album released!!!!!

July 31: Scream the Prayer @ the Glasshouse.

August 18: My 21st birthday.

Check-off list

Place to live through the summer - CHECK

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Responsibilities really just suck sometimes.

Money. Living situation. Part-time work.... the list goes on.

But today, I'm going to try my hardest NOT to stress out and NOT to worry. At the same time, though, I'm not about to act like everything is okay, because this is some really tough stuff. But it's all a lesson I need to learn, so with that in mind I will keep my head up.

We are never lost, nor are we alone...

After work today, I am meeting up with this beautiful girl.

My heart can't wait.

...we have each other to prove that.

Summer 2011 Goals

1. Live one day at a time.

- Choose today, let go of (but learn from) yesterday's regrets and let tomorrow's worry completely slip away.

2. Let grace, mercy, truth, and freedom mold and re-shape my heart, as well as my perspective/attitude.

3. Start the days off early in the morning & maintain a fairly busy schedule daily.

4. Mend any ties that have been either loosened or broken with my friends and my family.

- Work to make those and every other relationship breathtakingly free.

5. Tear out the weeds and in their place, let beautiful & inspiring people grow instead.

- Get inspired and start doing the things that I love: rest up | drink coffee | write in my journal | create | and watch some great films, etc etc etc.

6. Read some great books (if you have ANY suggestions, please comment them for me!!!)

7. Let love grow tall.

TODAY.

Today, I am content. I am happy. I am care-free, but not careless. I have satisfaction, I have relief, I have encouragement and love, hope and a dream. Today, I am driven.

Today, I choose self-control and a positive attitude. Today, I have peace and I have the sun on my side today.

I choose today, not yesterday and not tomorrow.

Today. That is something that I'm learning lately.

I'm on a Copeland kick these days.

Copeland - "To Be Happy Now" from One Small Instrument Pictures on Vimeo.

I will hold on hope.

Plant your hope with good seeds, don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds.

Rain down, rain down on me.

Busy bee.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing better than having a full plate... sometimes constant busyness is exactly what you need to stay out of trouble.

Plus, being productive & making an effort to get stuff done has got to be the greatest feeling in the world. So I'm raising my glass to this sunny, Wednesday morning in hopes that it will be the greatest one yet, that it will bring the refreshment I have been needing, that it will bring about more changes, more encouragement but strength & self control more than anything.

Happy Wednesday! Hope it's the best one yet.

But, seriously.

Things are lookin' up!

Thanks to this amazing family right here...

my amazing family. They've offered to be by my side and to help me deal

with everything that needs to be taken care of.

And I'm not refusing this offer.

I'm completely aware that this is what needs to happen.

I am so ridiculously undeserving,

but I am sooo grateful for what looks to be a clean, fresh start.

Who could ask for more?

I got breakfast with some friends today (Daniel & Ryan) and the three of us just sat for hours, ate the biggest meal and had the sweetest conversation. I love those guys so much and am seriously so grateful for their friendships, even when I don't deserve it.. especially when I don't deserve it, they are just constantly there for me, they go out of their way so much for me, and they are so genuine and real.

I'm in the process of moving on from shitty, insensitive friends to being surrounded by people who care about and love me, for exactly who I am, including all the baggage that I bring to the table.

I'd drop everything and do anything for my friends.

Why is it not reciprocated? Especially when I could really just use a friend...

Sleepless.

I can't sleep.

It feels like I just can never catch a good night's rest these days.

Too many thoughts on my mind, too many things to get done tomorrow, too many things being put off, put off, put off...

It's too hot in here, the window isn't open enough.

It's too quiet outside, it's too quiet in the house, the walls are creaking too much, my breathing is too loud.

Where's the cat? Why is my room such a mess?

Maybe I should clean it up a bit, maybe I should start packing up my stuff...

Maybe I should write in my journal, maybe I should try and sleep.

I have to wake up in 5 hours anyways. Maybe I'll just put all this off until tomorrow...

And the cycle repeats itself. Night after night after night.

I decided on a few things tonight:

1. I'm going to buy film for one of my 35mm cameras & start documenting anything and everything. Summer 2011. I want these photos to completely fill up a journal.

2. I am taking a mini vacation (hopefully) in June. I'm going to visit family and some old friends that I haven't seen in awhile. I'll be going to: The Inland Empire, Long Beach and maybe a few other places.

3. And right now, I'm going to drink a black currant tea latte and watch The Squid and The Whale.

Starting off summer right.

A few months ago, I went for a beach day in Ventura, CA with some really great friends (Erika & Ryan).

It was a day of thrift store shopping, walking on the beach and down the pier, and it was such a day that I was really grateful for the wonderful company, a day where I had friends surrounding me when I really needed them.

And not to mention, these are some pretty sweet photos that came from the day.

I'm excited for summer 2011 and I'm grateful for the amazing friends that are by my side.

It's all becoming unfairly realistic.