Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Night on the town.

Went to the LA Farmer's Market last night with this gem, and then we spent the next 3 hours at Da Poetry Lounge, engaging with and listening to people's hearts.


This was my favorite poem of the night:

Pass On by Michael Lee

When searching for the lost remember 8 things.

1. 
We are vessels. We are circuit boards
swallowing the electricity of life upon birth.
It wheels through us creating every moment,
the pulse of a story, the soft hums of labor and love.
In our last moment it will come rushing 
from our chests and be given back to the wind.
When we die. We go everywhere.

2. 
Newton said energy is neither created nor destroyed.
In the halls of my middle school I can still hear 
my friend Stephen singing his favorite song. 
In the gymnasium I can still hear 
the way he dribbled that basketball like it was a mallet 
and the earth was a xylophone.
With an ear to the Atlantic I can hear
the Titanic's band playing her to sleep,
Music. Wind. Music. Wind.

3. 
The day my grandfather passed away there was the strongest wind, 
I could feel his gentle hands blowing away from me. 
I knew then they were off to find someone 
who needed them more than I did.
On average 1.8 people on earth die every second.
There is always a gust of wind somewhere.

4. 
The day Stephen was murdered
everything that made us love him rushed from his knife wounds
as though his chest were an auditorium
his life an audience leaving single file.
Every ounce of him has been 
wrapping around this world in a windstorm
I have been looking for him for 9 years.



5.
Our bodies are nothing more than hosts to a collection of brilliant things.
When someone dies I do not weep over polaroids or belongings,
I begin to look for the lightning that has left them,
I feel out the strongest breeze and take off running.

6.
After 9 years I found Stephen.
I passed a basketball court in Boston
the point guard dribbled like he had a stadium roaring in his palms
Wilt Chamberlain pumping in his feet,
his hands flashing like x-rays,
a cross-over, a wrap-around
rewinding, turn-tables cracking open,
camera-men turn flash bulbs to fireworks.
Seven games and he never missed a shot,
his hands were luminous.
Pulsing. Pulsing.
I asked him how long he'd been playing,
he said nine 9 years

7. 
The theory of six degrees of separation 

was never meant to show how many people we can find,
it was a set of directions for how to find the people we have lost.

I found your voice Stephen,
found it in a young boy in Michigan who was always singing,
his lungs flapping like sails
I found your smile in Australia, 
a young girls teeth shining like the opera house in your neck,
I saw your one true love come to life on the asphalt of Boston.

8. 
We are not created or destroyed,
we are constantly transferred, shifted and renewed.
Everything we are is given to us.
Death does not come when a body is too exhausted to live
Death comes, because the brilliance inside us can only be contained for so long.
We do not die. We pass on, pass on the lightning burning through our throats.
when you leave me I will not cry for you
I will run into the strongest wind I can find
and welcome you home.


Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A huge thanks.

I am finding that I have a very large support system, and for that I am forever grateful.
So, thank you. To everyone who reads this and is either affected by my words, or has something to say.
I appreciate every word from you guys.

Thank you for the encouragement, the love and the never-ending support.
I really could not do this without you.
Today, I have 17 days off heroin.
Today, I feel great. Today is going to be amazing.

I have decided that I so much prefer this way of life - ya know, being sober.
Because I have strength again, and because I care about myself again.

Do you have any idea how long it's been since I could say that I had 17 days clean???
Yeah, it's been awhile. 7 months ago, I was in rehab in Pasadena and the most time that I could get was 21 days at most. I was kicked out the first time for smoking a cigarette, after 2 1/2 weeks of being there. So, I went back home and I relapsed. But not only did I relapse, I woke up in the hospital. So that rehab let me come back because I managed to OD. And then another 2 1/2 weeks later, I relapsed again and was kicked out one more time. But by that time, it was on and crackin and nobody would make me stop using.
And I was strung the fuck out. It went as far as a few deaths, a few arrests and many more OD's, as well as some moral issues that I compromised in order to get money for my next fix.
But I didn't care. As long as I could maintain my high, I didn't give a fuck what I had to do, or what I did to myself and especially to the people around me.

This is my third time in sober living since mid-September. I first went to a house in Encino and left the second that I was sick. And not five minutes later that I left that house, was I high. A few weeks later, I thought I had enough of being on the streets, so I went to a different house in Northridge and again, left on the second day.  My friend came to pick me up, he had just gotten out of rehab and wanted to get loaded, so we went to pick up and thirty minutes after leaving sober living #2, I had fallen out in his car. Needle in my arm and everything. Things got bad after that last run, though. And in the end, I was only using because I wanted to off myself. But I couldn't even manage to do that. So, I decided to try again and here I am.

17 days of sobriety. Amazing house, wonderful house manager who has adopted me as his daughter. Amazing support system, wonderful sponsor. I am seriously so blessed.

Never thought I would make it. And so grateful that I have.
As much as I love heroin (and I honestly do), I would not go back for anything.
This life is SO much better and I am learning to love every second.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

"How frequently we see a frightened human being determined to depend completely upon a stronger person for guidance and protection."
-Step 4 out of "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions"


Oh hai.
I need to stop depending on people.
I need to chill the fuck out, stop trippin and start playing it cool.
Even though this is something that I am in NO way used to.
Even though I'm not good at it.
And even though all I want to do is say "fuck it" and take off.
But I can't do that. I don't REALLY want to.

So, I'll stay if you'll have me.

The heart beats in its cage - Pt 2

15 days today.
Physically, I feel MUCH better.
But emotionally and mentally.... oh, shit.

I'll put it like this:
I am a wreck right now.

All of these feelings are hitting me non-stop and I have no idea how to deal with ANY of it. I feel so strongly about something and then five minutes later, I'm re-thinking the whole thing. Twenty minutes later, I'm right back to where I was at the beginning. I'm a mess.

I am learning how to deal with these feelings when they come up, because when they do, it hits HARD. I haven't felt anything like this in a-w-h-i-l-e. And it's just been really tough. Okay, I have no idea how to deal with them, but I am doing my best to be honest when shit starts to hit the fan... And that's not easy.
Because I haven't felt anything for quite some time now.
Because I don't like being vulnerable enough with you to be completely honest.
But I am doing my best. And I hope that you can see that.
Because I have no idea how to do any of this.

And I keep wondering if it's worth it.
Life, I mean... What the fuck is the point? I don't understand.
Not yet. Hopefully soon, I will start really believing in life again.
Because right now, I don't. And each new day that I am faced with brings out the strength that is resonating somewhere deep inside me. Because I have to FIGHT just to make it through the next hour.

And that's how everything seems to be right now.
I have to fight for my recovery. I have to fight my way through the steps.
I have to fight for those I care about and love.
I have to fight for my own sanity and I have to fight everything that my heart feels.
Yeah. The heart sure does beat in its damn cage.
Who will release me? Who's gonna set me free? And who is going to fight for me???

The heart beats in its cage Pt. 1 - The Strokes

I don't feel better when I'm fucking around
and I don't write better when I'm stuck in the ground.
So don't teach me lessons that I've already learned.

I don't want what you want.
I don't feel what you feel.
See, I'm stuck in a city when I belong in a field.
Yeah, we got left, left, left, left...
Now it's 3 in the morning and you're eating alone.
Oh, the heart beats in its cage.

All our friends are laughing at us.
All of those you loved, you mistrust.
Help me. I'm just not quite myself.
Look around. There's no one else left.

I went to a concert and I fought through the crowd.
Guess I got too excited when I thought you were around.
Oh he gets left, left, left, left...
And I'm sorry you were thinkin I would steal your fire.
Oh, the heart beats in its cage.

Yes, the heart beats in its cage.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

On repeat for days.

Now and then, I think of when we were together.
Like when you said you felt so happy, you could die.
Told myself you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company.
That was love, but it's an ache I still remember.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.
Like resignation to the end, always the end.
So when we found we could not make sense,
well you said that we would still be friends.
Well, I'll admit that I was glad when it was over.

But you didn't have to cut me off.
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing.
And I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough.
No, you didn't have to stoop so low.
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number.
I guess that I don't need that, though.
Now, you're just somebody that I used to know.

Now and then, I think of all the times you screwed me over,
but had me believing it was always something that I'd done.
But I don't wanna live that way, reading into every word you say.
You said that you could let it go and I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know.

"Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye

Friday, October 26, 2012

Brutal honesty...

Alright, let's be honest.

Today and especially right now, I've got feelings of restlessness. Like... bad.
My mind is racing, my heart is overwhelmed, and my feet just want to run.

Because that's what I do... Apparently.
When things start looking up around me, I forget the hell that I just came from. And it doesn't even matter to me when I do think of it. Because things are starting to get really fucking good, and that just honestly scares the hell out of me. So what do I do? I run.

My heart just wants answers right now. I need something definite and I just need confirmation, I need encouragement and I need love most of all. But it's funny, because I have all these things around me, in this house that I am part of. But my heart wants more.

Maybe it's because this is all so new to me, and I really have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'm just doing what I see others doing, because I see it working for them. And I believe it can work for me too.
BUT. I'm scared. Like. Really, really scared. Right now, I am scared of being hurt. I'm scared of not being wanted, I'm scared of being too pushy, I'm scared of rejection, I'm scared that I'm doing everything wrong.

My heart just fears right now. And it makes me want to run.
But somehow, my feet are planted right where they are and even if I wanted to, I wouldn't.
And boy, do I want to. Because it's what I do and it's what I know.

So I guess if you're reading this, please pray for me.
Because I can't. And because I'm just not sure right now.
Please. Thank you.

Wow.

Hello, my name is Heroin - I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds or gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold. I'm easily found, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me you'll see, but if you do, you may NEVER break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in my arms. You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and
separate friends. I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side.

You'll give up everything, your family, your home, your friends, your money, and eventually you'll be alone. I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live. If given the chance, I'll drive you insane. I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind. I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, the voices you'll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master; you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me , what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, LET ME LEAD YOU TO HELL.




I just read this... Wow. Dead on.
And with this will be my reminder of where I'm at now vs. where I was just 2 1/2 weeks ago.
I'm on my way towards 100% sobriety. 13 days today. Thanks for the support, guys.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

LISTEN.

Tithemi.
Everyone is talking about having a "spiritual awakening," an encounter of sorts that is unexplainable but for the simple fact that nothing can explain it except for a Higher Power. And I am working through Step 3 right now and early this morning, came to the realization that there are many good things happening in my life right now, many things that can't be explained, and all praise is due to my Higher Power. So, I guess you can say I've reached complete defeat and surrender. And I'm not looking back. This life is just too good, already.

Crazy.
12 days today.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Photos from 2008-2011

Kelsey and I - Portland, OR
 Roomie Christmas - Vta, CA

 Christmas 2009
 Amber's birthday 2009 - Portland, OR
 Me and Sammi - SD, CA
 Drunk as fuck.
 Loko'd up with my main girl, Trish.
 Vta with best friends <3
 Photo shoot with Alicia - Scv, CA
 Classy as fuck.


 Bradley Hathaway house show - Redlands, CA

 Sunset Blvd, Hollywood
 Family
 Best summer - Hume, CA 2009
 Photo shoot with Jenny - SCV
 San Diego
 Portland fall 2009
 Portland roomies 2009

Monday, October 22, 2012

9.

Just so you all know, I am back at the sober living that I left a little less than a month ago.
I've got 9 days clean today, and currently am working through Step 2 of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what we do here... Work through the steps. I needed something different, and this seems to be working for everyone that I have come into contact with so far. So. I'm giving this a shot.

And I'm not about to fuck it up now.
That's all.

Have a good night, everyone.
Thanks for the prayers, the warm wishes and thoughts.
Please continue praying, though.

And I will keep you updated as much as I can.