Importante.

Okay so to say the least, it has been a very crazy past couple of weeks.

And since this blog is dedicated to honesty, I will keep that now (even though I don't want to).
But you all deserve to know what's been going on, and where I'm at currently.
And I tell you knowing that judgement may very well be coming my way.

Well I am still at the sober living in Northridge that I've been at this whole time.
I just got back yesterday from a 3-day run, and not even two weeks ago, I relapsed after having 37 days under my belt. I have no reason, no excuse for what happened other than to say that I was quite "disconnected" and I didn't see the purpose in what I've been doing (AA, 12-step program stuff) or what the purpose in staying sober even is. I don't want to go into detail about what has happened while I've been out, but I will just let you know that lately it's been a struggle of where I see my life headed. I'd be lying to you if I said that sometimes I didn't feel like I'm doomed to this junkie life, and that I am worth no more than being found in a gutter with a needle in my arm... That's just the honest to God truth.

But I am back. Starting over, yet again. One day at a time.
Today, I'm dope-sick, but I'm safe. We'll see where this adventure of sobriety takes me.
I've got little fight left in me, but it's been enough to bring me back. So I'm here.
And taking life, once more, one day at a time. Sometimes, that's all we can do.

It's the end of the month and I know that due to my above update, I could lose many supporters, although I am praying that doesn't happen... There are necessities I need this month. (I am on restriction again, so I can't look for work right now...)
The first and foremost necessity is RENT MONEY. Rent here is $620 and that includes a monthly house fee, for supplies (i.e. laundry soap, dish soap, etc.).
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay at this sober living if I don't somehow come up with rent money, which means YOU who are reading this... I desperately NEED your help. ANY and ALL financial help would be SOOO appreciated. Please email me if you can help in ANY way.
youaregreaterthan@gmail.com
There are other necessities, but rent is first. Please help. You'd be helping save just one life.
Thank you for your support. I am eternally grateful.

Because I just want you to know where I'm at.

I'm going to be honest here, so prepare yourself if you must.
Because I just want you to know where I'm at.

Every single day I go through this agonizing game of tug-of-war.
I'm talking head in my hands, sweat dripping, body writhing, my muscles pulling me in a thousand different directions.
I'm talking about the hold that heroin (still, unfortunately) has on me.
I'm talking about the obsession to use, the sometimes thought that all of this just doesn't seem worth it and that I really don't mind going back to that pit of hell that I just barely made it out of.
And when I say "this" doesn't seem worth it at times,
I'm talking about fighting this ever-constant thought, I'm talking about fighting for my recovery, I'm talking about fighting for my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough when I feel like I'm doing everything I can, I'm not doing a "good enough" job, I'm not changing, nothing has changed, I'm too weak, I'm not worth fighting for (because why isn't anyone fighting for me?), I'm completely worthless as a human being, I keep fucking up when I'm supposed to be having this amazing "spiritual awakening", I am a disappointment, I can't get it right, I can't let things that I've done in the past go, I can't let my guard down, I can't let God in completely, I am scared.
I am scared of being a disappointment, I'm scared of letting you down, I'm scared of not getting this right, I'm scared that I'll keep messing up in the meantime, I'm scared of being too comfortable, I'm scared of jumping head-first into the unknown, I'm scared of letting my guard down and having the people around me see me for who and what I really am. The past plays a big part in this and the person that I know myself to be now is the person that I was not even 40 days ago. And it's hard to let that one go, it's hard to accept forgiveness not even just from God, but most importantly from myself.

But I was told yesterday from someone I consider closer than blood, that I am not a bad person.
I am not a bad person. I'm not. He just kept repeating that after I told him all the shit I've done, "You're not a bad person, you're not a bad person, you're not..."
I just wish I could believe that. I want to. So badly. So fucking bad.

So this post is just to let you know that I am fighting every damn day for my sobriety, my sanity, my faith, and my life. Please join me in this. Because I need you, my supporters, now MORE than ever.
I need you, because I'm starting to lose sight. I feel I'm beginning to lose this battle, I feel weak. I need you to fight not only for but with me. Please.

Rainy day loneliness.

Today, it is raining and today, autumn gloom fills the sky.
Today, it is dark and it is dreary.
And today like all others, I live for the beauty of it. And today, most of all, I love it.

But this is my time to fall in love, I believe that goes for most of us this time of year.

So as happy, content, at peace, encouraged, willing and patient as I am, I wonder why it's not going the way I dreamed it would.

I want to be swept off my feet, and completely immersed in the freedom of love. But I'm not... I'm waiting.

I'm not very good at waiting, afterall.

Here's to bands like: Copeland Brand New, Thrice, Further Seems Forever... they know how to take my rainy day loneliness away.

Hey, remember that time that Bradley Hathaway wrote a song about me and sang it at a house show?
Yeah, that was awesome. Why do I so easily forget all the good, fun times that I've had?

Shoot. Today's a day of reflecting, but not dwelling. And today is good. I'm claiming that.

I am seriously so blessed, and I consider myself to be quite a lucky girl these days.
Sobriety is awesome, step work is going great, and after much fighting, I have given myself over to the care of God (as I understand Him... I've got a lot to learn).

Today is day 22 and I have never felt better!
So again, I can't say it enough... THANK YOU to all my supporters! You guys rock.

I cannot sleep.
No idea what just happened.
How can I push you away when all I want is to be completely woven around everything that you are?

11.

This is my 11th try at rehab, sober living, whatever you want to call it.
In. The. Past. Year.

Sometimes I really can't help but to think, "Are you kidding me?!? ANOTHER goddamn sober living? Are you freaking kidding???" And that's what I think maybe 551 times a day, everyday.
I absolutely hate the fact that this is where I am, that I can't seem to get it... that I haven't gotten it yet.
But I'm putting myself into this program wholeheartedly (along with some other things...) and I so far have had mini "spiritual awakenings" - or whatever you want to call them. So, I'm doing this. I'm here now. And I've accepted that. Just a bit pissed at the fact that I could have got this shit down a year ago, but was too strung out to care or even see the big picture. But again, I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere. Just sometimes have little doubts, and discouragements by thoughts that make me think about this the way that I do. That's all. Just wanted to share, because I'm trying this new thing where I stay honest. And that ain't easy.

Night on the town.

Went to the LA Farmer's Market last night with this gem, and then we spent the next 3 hours at Da Poetry Lounge, engaging with and listening to people's hearts.

This was my favorite poem of the night:

Pass On by Michael Lee

When searching for the lost remember 8 things.

1. 
We are vessels. We are circuit boards
swallowing the electricity of life upon birth.
It wheels through us creating every moment,
the pulse of a story, the soft hums of labor and love.
In our last moment it will come rushing 
from our chests and be given back to the wind.
When we die. We go everywhere.

2. 
Newton said energy is neither created nor destroyed.
In the halls of my middle school I can still hear 
my friend Stephen singing his favorite song. 
In the gymnasium I can still hear 
the way he dribbled that basketball like it was a mallet 
and the earth was a xylophone.
With an ear to the Atlantic I can hear
the Titanic's band playing her to sleep,
Music. Wind. Music. Wind.

3. 
The day my grandfather passed away there was the strongest wind, 
I could feel his gentle hands blowing away from me. 
I knew then they were off to find someone 
who needed them more than I did.
On average 1.8 people on earth die every second.
There is always a gust of wind somewhere.

4. 
The day Stephen was murdered
everything that made us love him rushed from his knife wounds
as though his chest were an auditorium
his life an audience leaving single file.
Every ounce of him has been 
wrapping around this world in a windstorm
I have been looking for him for 9 years.



5.
Our bodies are nothing more than hosts to a collection of brilliant things.
When someone dies I do not weep over polaroids or belongings,
I begin to look for the lightning that has left them,
I feel out the strongest breeze and take off running.

6.
After 9 years I found Stephen.
I passed a basketball court in Boston
the point guard dribbled like he had a stadium roaring in his palms
Wilt Chamberlain pumping in his feet,
his hands flashing like x-rays,
a cross-over, a wrap-around
rewinding, turn-tables cracking open,
camera-men turn flash bulbs to fireworks.
Seven games and he never missed a shot,
his hands were luminous.
Pulsing. Pulsing.
I asked him how long he'd been playing,
he said nine 9 years

7. 
The theory of six degrees of separation 

was never meant to show how many people we can find,
it was a set of directions for how to find the people we have lost.

I found your voice Stephen,
found it in a young boy in Michigan who was always singing,
his lungs flapping like sails
I found your smile in Australia, 
a young girls teeth shining like the opera house in your neck,
I saw your one true love come to life on the asphalt of Boston.

8. 
We are not created or destroyed,
we are constantly transferred, shifted and renewed.
Everything we are is given to us.
Death does not come when a body is too exhausted to live
Death comes, because the brilliance inside us can only be contained for so long.
We do not die. We pass on, pass on the lightning burning through our throats.
when you leave me I will not cry for you
I will run into the strongest wind I can find
and welcome you home.

A huge thanks.

I am finding that I have a very large support system, and for that I am forever grateful.
So, thank you. To everyone who reads this and is either affected by my words, or has something to say.
I appreciate every word from you guys.

Thank you for the encouragement, the love and the never-ending support.
I really could not do this without you.

Today, I have 17 days off heroin.
Today, I feel great. Today is going to be amazing.

I have decided that I so much prefer this way of life - ya know, being sober.
Because I have strength again, and because I care about myself again.

Do you have any idea how long it's been since I could say that I had 17 days clean???
Yeah, it's been awhile. 7 months ago, I was in rehab in Pasadena and the most time that I could get was 21 days at most. I was kicked out the first time for smoking a cigarette, after 2 1/2 weeks of being there. So, I went back home and I relapsed. But not only did I relapse, I woke up in the hospital. So that rehab let me come back because I managed to OD. And then another 2 1/2 weeks later, I relapsed again and was kicked out one more time. But by that time, it was on and crackin and nobody would make me stop using.
And I was strung the fuck out. It went as far as a few deaths, a few arrests and many more OD's, as well as some moral issues that I compromised in order to get money for my next fix.
But I didn't care. As long as I could maintain my high, I didn't give a fuck what I had to do, or what I did to myself and especially to the people around me.

This is my third time in sober living since mid-September. I first went to a house in Encino and left the second that I was sick. And not five minutes later that I left that house, was I high. A few weeks later, I thought I had enough of being on the streets, so I went to a different house in Northridge and again, left on the second day.  My friend came to pick me up, he had just gotten out of rehab and wanted to get loaded, so we went to pick up and thirty minutes after leaving sober living #2, I had fallen out in his car. Needle in my arm and everything. Things got bad after that last run, though. And in the end, I was only using because I wanted to off myself. But I couldn't even manage to do that. So, I decided to try again and here I am.

17 days of sobriety. Amazing house, wonderful house manager who has adopted me as his daughter. Amazing support system, wonderful sponsor. I am seriously so blessed.

Never thought I would make it. And so grateful that I have.
As much as I love heroin (and I honestly do), I would not go back for anything.
This life is SO much better and I am learning to love every second.

"How frequently we see a frightened human being determined to depend completely upon a stronger person for guidance and protection."
-Step 4 out of "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions"


Oh hai.
I need to stop depending on people.
I need to chill the fuck out, stop trippin and start playing it cool.
Even though this is something that I am in NO way used to.
Even though I'm not good at it.
And even though all I want to do is say "fuck it" and take off.
But I can't do that. I don't REALLY want to.

So, I'll stay if you'll have me.

The heart beats in its cage - Pt 2

15 days today.
Physically, I feel MUCH better.
But emotionally and mentally.... oh, shit.

I'll put it like this:
I am a wreck right now.

All of these feelings are hitting me non-stop and I have no idea how to deal with ANY of it. I feel so strongly about something and then five minutes later, I'm re-thinking the whole thing. Twenty minutes later, I'm right back to where I was at the beginning. I'm a mess.

I am learning how to deal with these feelings when they come up, because when they do, it hits HARD. I haven't felt anything like this in a-w-h-i-l-e. And it's just been really tough. Okay, I have no idea how to deal with them, but I am doing my best to be honest when shit starts to hit the fan... And that's not easy.
Because I haven't felt anything for quite some time now.
Because I don't like being vulnerable enough with you to be completely honest.
But I am doing my best. And I hope that you can see that.
Because I have no idea how to do any of this.

And I keep wondering if it's worth it.
Life, I mean... What the fuck is the point? I don't understand.
Not yet. Hopefully soon, I will start really believing in life again.
Because right now, I don't. And each new day that I am faced with brings out the strength that is resonating somewhere deep inside me. Because I have to FIGHT just to make it through the next hour.

And that's how everything seems to be right now.
I have to fight for my recovery. I have to fight my way through the steps.
I have to fight for those I care about and love.
I have to fight for my own sanity and I have to fight everything that my heart feels.
Yeah. The heart sure does beat in its damn cage.
Who will release me? Who's gonna set me free? And who is going to fight for me???

The heart beats in its cage Pt. 1 - The Strokes

I don't feel better when I'm fucking around
and I don't write better when I'm stuck in the ground.
So don't teach me lessons that I've already learned.

I don't want what you want.
I don't feel what you feel.
See, I'm stuck in a city when I belong in a field.
Yeah, we got left, left, left, left...
Now it's 3 in the morning and you're eating alone.
Oh, the heart beats in its cage.

All our friends are laughing at us.
All of those you loved, you mistrust.
Help me. I'm just not quite myself.
Look around. There's no one else left.

I went to a concert and I fought through the crowd.
Guess I got too excited when I thought you were around.
Oh he gets left, left, left, left...
And I'm sorry you were thinkin I would steal your fire.
Oh, the heart beats in its cage.

Yes, the heart beats in its cage.

On repeat for days.

Now and then, I think of when we were together.
Like when you said you felt so happy, you could die.
Told myself you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company.
That was love, but it's an ache I still remember.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.
Like resignation to the end, always the end.
So when we found we could not make sense,
well you said that we would still be friends.
Well, I'll admit that I was glad when it was over.

But you didn't have to cut me off.
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing.
And I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough.
No, you didn't have to stoop so low.
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number.
I guess that I don't need that, though.
Now, you're just somebody that I used to know.

Now and then, I think of all the times you screwed me over,
but had me believing it was always something that I'd done.
But I don't wanna live that way, reading into every word you say.
You said that you could let it go and I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know.

"Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye

Brutal honesty...

Alright, let's be honest.

Today and especially right now, I've got feelings of restlessness. Like... bad.
My mind is racing, my heart is overwhelmed, and my feet just want to run.

Because that's what I do... Apparently.
When things start looking up around me, I forget the hell that I just came from. And it doesn't even matter to me when I do think of it. Because things are starting to get really fucking good, and that just honestly scares the hell out of me. So what do I do? I run.

My heart just wants answers right now. I need something definite and I just need confirmation, I need encouragement and I need love most of all. But it's funny, because I have all these things around me, in this house that I am part of. But my heart wants more.

Maybe it's because this is all so new to me, and I really have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'm just doing what I see others doing, because I see it working for them. And I believe it can work for me too.
BUT. I'm scared. Like. Really, really scared. Right now, I am scared of being hurt. I'm scared of not being wanted, I'm scared of being too pushy, I'm scared of rejection, I'm scared that I'm doing everything wrong.

My heart just fears right now. And it makes me want to run.
But somehow, my feet are planted right where they are and even if I wanted to, I wouldn't.
And boy, do I want to. Because it's what I do and it's what I know.

So I guess if you're reading this, please pray for me.
Because I can't. And because I'm just not sure right now.
Please. Thank you.

Wow.

Hello, my name is Heroin - I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds or gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold. I'm easily found, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me you'll see, but if you do, you may NEVER break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in my arms. You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and

separate friends. I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side.

You'll give up everything, your family, your home, your friends, your money, and eventually you'll be alone. I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live. If given the chance, I'll drive you insane. I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind. I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, the voices you'll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master; you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me , what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, LET ME LEAD YOU TO HELL.

I just read this... Wow. Dead on.
And with this will be my reminder of where I'm at now vs. where I was just 2 1/2 weeks ago.
I'm on my way towards 100% sobriety. 13 days today. Thanks for the support, guys.

LISTEN.

Tithemi.

Everyone is talking about having a "spiritual awakening," an encounter of sorts that is unexplainable but for the simple fact that nothing can explain it except for a Higher Power. And I am working through Step 3 right now and early this morning, came to the realization that there are many good things happening in my life right now, many things that can't be explained, and all praise is due to my Higher Power. So, I guess you can say I've reached complete defeat and surrender. And I'm not looking back. This life is just too good, already.

Crazy.
12 days today.

Photos from 2008-2011

Kelsey and I - Portland, OR

 Roomie Christmas - Vta, CA

 Christmas 2009

 Amber's birthday 2009 - Portland, OR

 Me and Sammi - SD, CA

 Drunk as fuck.

 Loko'd up with my main girl, Trish.

 Vta with best friends <3

 Photo shoot with Alicia - Scv, CA

 Classy as fuck.

 Bradley Hathaway house show - Redlands, CA

 Sunset Blvd, Hollywood

 Family

 Best summer - Hume, CA 2009

 Photo shoot with Jenny - SCV

 San Diego

 Portland fall 2009

 Portland roomies 2009

9.

Just so you all know, I am back at the sober living that I left a little less than a month ago.
I've got 9 days clean today, and currently am working through Step 2 of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what we do here... Work through the steps. I needed something different, and this seems to be working for everyone that I have come into contact with so far. So. I'm giving this a shot.

And I'm not about to fuck it up now.
That's all.

Have a good night, everyone.
Thanks for the prayers, the warm wishes and thoughts.
Please continue praying, though.

And I will keep you updated as much as I can.

The last part is a riddle... Good luck figuring out what I am really talking about.

I seriously hate just about every goddamn person right now.
Especially the ones who claim to be "Christians" and especially those who call themselves "my friend".

Got news: You're not my friend and most likely, you never were.

I told so many of you over and over again that it is not good or safe for me to be alone; I cried out multiple times for help, for someone to be there with me as I walk through all of this shit... And not one single person responded in the way I needed them to. In fact, no one responded at all.
Because here I (still) am..... ALONE.

I am so incredibly upset right now. So upset, so hurt and so alone.
And that just is nottt the best thing for me right now.
Because I have some black licorice in my room right now...
All I have to do is warm it up, press on it and let it soak into my tastebuds.
I'm about to go into a food coma.

And I hope to God that I do NOT wake up.

Dear Time, please speed up...

This has been the

l - o - n - g - e - s - t
week of
my
life.



A week ago today, he got arrested.
And two weeks from tomorrow, he has court.
But sometime before then, I plan to visit him.

Because this last week has gone by
s - o
s - l - o - w.

Every night as I lay in bed
a - l - o - n - e
I take a deep breath
because I made it through one more day without him.

Another day
d - o - w - n.
Still a few more to go, though...

Oh boy. Time needs to speed UP.

Torn at the seams.

Dear God
I miss him so much.

Over the past few months,
he became my everything & I became his.
And now he's gone,
taken completely away from me.
So here I sit, here I stand, here I sleep... alone.
Without him after so long of us being inseperable.
And it hurts like hell.

But now I think, he must feel the same way.
There he is, freedom completely taken away.
And though he might have a bunkie,
he, too, is... alone.
So together, we are alone in this.
Together, in spirit and together, because our hearts are intertwined and because through everything so far, he has left my side not one time. And I certainly will not leave his.
He is far too precious to me.

And now I realize that this seperation is not permanent and dare I go as far to say that it doesn't even exist.
Because I believe, for the first time in awhile, in love.
I believe that the past few months built both of us up so that we would be able to make it through this time.
No matter how long it's going to be.
He stayed right by my side throughout everything we have endured thus far and I refuse for this setback to be the reason as to why I leave his...

I feel alone, yes.
But the bonds of love remain strong and intact.
And I will forever stay by his side.
No matter what.

My thoughts, prayers and love go out to him, my Papi.
I hope and pray that you are okay and that you grow stronger everyday. I will come to you as soon as I can. I love you.

Papi.

A lot of people are talking, and a lot of what they have to say is unnecessary.
They don't know what goes on between you and I, they only see and they hear. But they don't really know.

You know that I love you, and I know that you love me too.
It's just that there is something that we love, maybe just a little more than eachother.
Despite that though, we have a good thing going.
You are good for me. You put me in line, you straighten me out and you check me when needed. You are there for me constantly, you adore me endlessly and you show your love to me always.
We have conversations naturally and I love that we talk about anything and everything under the sun.
You point out what I need to change, but you have never left me because that list of change is overwhelming to you. No, you stick it out with patience. And I love you for that.

I know that I have a lot to work on, okay? I know.
And I know it's not always easy and that I put you through hell sometimes. I know.
But I love you. I do. And I always will. You are my everything & I never want to lose you.

Please continue to stick it out with me. We have a good thing going. The ends just need to be tightened up a bit.

Listen. Watch. Let it soak into your soul.

The Lion's Roar by First Aid Kit

"Being logical is sometimes more necessary than our feelings.
Which are easily conflicted."
-Steph Rossano


Smart advice from a long lost, close friend given to me earlier tonight.
Crazy to think it's been a year since all this mishap has started.
Crazy to think I've been in an out of solitary confinement since September 23, 2011.
Crazy to think it keeps starting over, again and again.

Because I let it.
Because I have been feeling down.
Because I don't see the point of life.
Because I know it's not about just existing... it's about living.
But what is there to live for?


Seriously.