I want to come home.

Fear Pt. II

And then there's this kind of fear:

The fear that I am going to lose my father, especially now that I am out here with him.

There have been so many nights, including tonight, where sleep just does not come.
So many things running through my mind.

But tonight it's fear of losing my dad.

I guess that you could say at this point in time, I've lost my family... except for the fact that they've made their distance quite some time ago. And not to mention, I lost my mother almost 8 years ago. And then there's the fact that more than half my life, I've had this terrible abandonment issue.
So I think it's safe to say that all of the above might explain this current fear of mine.

And fearful, I am.

I don't know how to work through this, I don't know how to deal with this and I certainly have not been able to shake this.

But I do know that admitting such fears is the first step... right? And maybe getting it out through writing is the second? So, what's the third step? How do I shake it, does anyone know?

It keeps me up at night and has made me into the worst home-body there ever was, because I just want to know that he is ok and if he goes somewhere without me, I have to stay home... you understand why, right?
Because I need to know that he's ok, and I need to know that he made it home safe.

I don't know what to do.
Asking for prayer regarding this is a no brainer, but I'm also asking for something a little more tangible... say, like advice?

Please. Cause I'm stuck and I'm tired of letting this fear hold me back from getting out and going places, from making new friends and being 100% available to the very few friends I have made out here.

So, please... and a million times thank you for anything said from my readers. I truly love you all.

Happy heart

Well today, I got a very special phone call.. from a very special someone. Yes! First time since I've been out here that I have heard his voice. And it was so needed.

Not to get ahead of ourselves or anything BUT he's gonna be joining me on this journey, just as soon as he can.. which unfortunately will not be for quite some time. It's good though, because once he finishes what he needs to back home, he can come out here to Colorado and we no longer will have to be looking back over our shoulders or ducking out of view of every black & white that we see.

My goodness. Can time just fast forward already?!!

Keep going and don't stop.

I need to get myself out of this gloomy, strange slump that I've been in... and I need to just.. GO.

Just... go. Don't stop & just keep going. Welcome each day with excitement (where has the excitement gone!?), look for adventure, find it and dive head-first into it.

Changes.

It's hard to have strength when there's nothing to eat.
And it's hard to eat when you don't have the teeth.
And how, when you lose the one thing you love, there's nothing below and there's nothing above.

It's hard to accept what you don't understand.
And it's hard to launch without knowing how to land.
And how, when it burns, you can't change a thing...
You can soften the blow, but you can't stop the sting.

Well, I've been going through changes. I've been going through changes. I've been going through changes, oh, with nothing at all.

I am still yours, even if you're not mine.
I stare at the floor and I study the lines.
Oh, I took my place at the back of the crowd.
Baby I couldn't see, but at least it was loud.
At least it was loud.

I've been going through changes.
And I know that I've needed changes.. No, but not this.
Cause this is not painless, oh.
This is not painless.

"Going Through Changes" by Army of Me

I chose to post these song lyrics as my first post (in forever) while I'm in Denver because well, I AM going through changes. I'm somewhere new where I know no one (although thanks to a very dear friend back in LA, I have met a few girls), not to mention that I'm over 1,000 miles from the one I love absolutely most. And yes, some of these changes really are not painless... But it's not all bad, ya know. I'm in the city where my mom lived when she was my age AND I am out here with my Daddy. Which is amazing. We are getting to know each other not only as father-daughter, but also as friends... I'll write more about all of this later, but I just thought I'd start this blog up again.

Hope you enjoy reading because as you read, you are joining alongside me in this crazy journey.

And that just absolutely fills my heart. So, a very special thanks to all my readers... Love you all. So so much.