Importante.

Okay so to say the least, it has been a very crazy past couple of weeks.

And since this blog is dedicated to honesty, I will keep that now (even though I don't want to).
But you all deserve to know what's been going on, and where I'm at currently.
And I tell you knowing that judgement may very well be coming my way.

Well I am still at the sober living in Northridge that I've been at this whole time.
I just got back yesterday from a 3-day run, and not even two weeks ago, I relapsed after having 37 days under my belt. I have no reason, no excuse for what happened other than to say that I was quite "disconnected" and I didn't see the purpose in what I've been doing (AA, 12-step program stuff) or what the purpose in staying sober even is. I don't want to go into detail about what has happened while I've been out, but I will just let you know that lately it's been a struggle of where I see my life headed. I'd be lying to you if I said that sometimes I didn't feel like I'm doomed to this junkie life, and that I am worth no more than being found in a gutter with a needle in my arm... That's just the honest to God truth.

But I am back. Starting over, yet again. One day at a time.
Today, I'm dope-sick, but I'm safe. We'll see where this adventure of sobriety takes me.
I've got little fight left in me, but it's been enough to bring me back. So I'm here.
And taking life, once more, one day at a time. Sometimes, that's all we can do.

It's the end of the month and I know that due to my above update, I could lose many supporters, although I am praying that doesn't happen... There are necessities I need this month. (I am on restriction again, so I can't look for work right now...)
The first and foremost necessity is RENT MONEY. Rent here is $620 and that includes a monthly house fee, for supplies (i.e. laundry soap, dish soap, etc.).
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay at this sober living if I don't somehow come up with rent money, which means YOU who are reading this... I desperately NEED your help. ANY and ALL financial help would be SOOO appreciated. Please email me if you can help in ANY way.
youaregreaterthan@gmail.com
There are other necessities, but rent is first. Please help. You'd be helping save just one life.
Thank you for your support. I am eternally grateful.

Because I just want you to know where I'm at.

I'm going to be honest here, so prepare yourself if you must.
Because I just want you to know where I'm at.

Every single day I go through this agonizing game of tug-of-war.
I'm talking head in my hands, sweat dripping, body writhing, my muscles pulling me in a thousand different directions.
I'm talking about the hold that heroin (still, unfortunately) has on me.
I'm talking about the obsession to use, the sometimes thought that all of this just doesn't seem worth it and that I really don't mind going back to that pit of hell that I just barely made it out of.
And when I say "this" doesn't seem worth it at times,
I'm talking about fighting this ever-constant thought, I'm talking about fighting for my recovery, I'm talking about fighting for my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough when I feel like I'm doing everything I can, I'm not doing a "good enough" job, I'm not changing, nothing has changed, I'm too weak, I'm not worth fighting for (because why isn't anyone fighting for me?), I'm completely worthless as a human being, I keep fucking up when I'm supposed to be having this amazing "spiritual awakening", I am a disappointment, I can't get it right, I can't let things that I've done in the past go, I can't let my guard down, I can't let God in completely, I am scared.
I am scared of being a disappointment, I'm scared of letting you down, I'm scared of not getting this right, I'm scared that I'll keep messing up in the meantime, I'm scared of being too comfortable, I'm scared of jumping head-first into the unknown, I'm scared of letting my guard down and having the people around me see me for who and what I really am. The past plays a big part in this and the person that I know myself to be now is the person that I was not even 40 days ago. And it's hard to let that one go, it's hard to accept forgiveness not even just from God, but most importantly from myself.

But I was told yesterday from someone I consider closer than blood, that I am not a bad person.
I am not a bad person. I'm not. He just kept repeating that after I told him all the shit I've done, "You're not a bad person, you're not a bad person, you're not..."
I just wish I could believe that. I want to. So badly. So fucking bad.

So this post is just to let you know that I am fighting every damn day for my sobriety, my sanity, my faith, and my life. Please join me in this. Because I need you, my supporters, now MORE than ever.
I need you, because I'm starting to lose sight. I feel I'm beginning to lose this battle, I feel weak. I need you to fight not only for but with me. Please.

Rainy day loneliness.

Today, it is raining and today, autumn gloom fills the sky.
Today, it is dark and it is dreary.
And today like all others, I live for the beauty of it. And today, most of all, I love it.

But this is my time to fall in love, I believe that goes for most of us this time of year.

So as happy, content, at peace, encouraged, willing and patient as I am, I wonder why it's not going the way I dreamed it would.

I want to be swept off my feet, and completely immersed in the freedom of love. But I'm not... I'm waiting.

I'm not very good at waiting, afterall.

Here's to bands like: Copeland Brand New, Thrice, Further Seems Forever... they know how to take my rainy day loneliness away.

Hey, remember that time that Bradley Hathaway wrote a song about me and sang it at a house show?
Yeah, that was awesome. Why do I so easily forget all the good, fun times that I've had?

Shoot. Today's a day of reflecting, but not dwelling. And today is good. I'm claiming that.

I am seriously so blessed, and I consider myself to be quite a lucky girl these days.
Sobriety is awesome, step work is going great, and after much fighting, I have given myself over to the care of God (as I understand Him... I've got a lot to learn).

Today is day 22 and I have never felt better!
So again, I can't say it enough... THANK YOU to all my supporters! You guys rock.

I cannot sleep.
No idea what just happened.
How can I push you away when all I want is to be completely woven around everything that you are?

11.

This is my 11th try at rehab, sober living, whatever you want to call it.
In. The. Past. Year.

Sometimes I really can't help but to think, "Are you kidding me?!? ANOTHER goddamn sober living? Are you freaking kidding???" And that's what I think maybe 551 times a day, everyday.
I absolutely hate the fact that this is where I am, that I can't seem to get it... that I haven't gotten it yet.
But I'm putting myself into this program wholeheartedly (along with some other things...) and I so far have had mini "spiritual awakenings" - or whatever you want to call them. So, I'm doing this. I'm here now. And I've accepted that. Just a bit pissed at the fact that I could have got this shit down a year ago, but was too strung out to care or even see the big picture. But again, I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere. Just sometimes have little doubts, and discouragements by thoughts that make me think about this the way that I do. That's all. Just wanted to share, because I'm trying this new thing where I stay honest. And that ain't easy.