"Knock it off."

Tonight's pivotal moments were provided by none other than my good friend, Dallas... and tonight is one of those nights that I will never forget because tonight holds potential for my life to change drastically. Which is so needed.

We sat at Starbucks for nearly 4 hours just talking the night away. He's a good friend, a great help and just one of those people who slap me in the face to set me straight because he thinks that I'm better than who I've been these past few months. And he's right, because this isn't who I am.

And so I will be on the path to recovery and I will be facing my shit head on, and I won't back down. I will see it, acknowledge it and give it up. And in the meantime, I will be tearing apart my Bible because there's so much that I don't understand, so much that is unfathomable to me, so much that I need to uncover and believe for myself... because I want to see the light in the midst of this heavy darkness and because I want to be proactive in how I spend my time and because I have been so faithless and full of dread and because I want to believe and I want to be passionate and reckless again. I want. I need. I want. I want. I NEED.

I. am. blessed. Ridiculously so.

In the span of one week, I went to different house shows in two different cities all to see two different people play two very different types of music.

1) Ben White & Gab: Very thought-provoking, and what used to be salvation-seeking. Good audience interaction, two very talented guys who have been hit with an on-going season of doubting and figuring it out for themselves what it means to be connected to God.

2) Bradley Hathaway: Spiritually heavy, a little bit haunting and completely full of the truth that goes past all the doubt, confusion, hurt and sorrow right into the core of your heart and you are left feeling just a little more burdened than you were before, simply because every word is true and you know it, you connect with it, you get it.

They were two of the most incredible nights that I have had this past year, filled with open hearts, open minds & open windows into the souls of others. I am completely and forever moved by the words of Bradley, and I don't mean this in a "fanatical" way. I simply mean that I can relate in the sense that he has a way of describing things that my soul hardly can begin to comprehend.

And I can relate to this because this is what everything in me is aching for:

"In her fairy tales and sweetest dreams, she found Jesus on her own.
And He told her that He loved her and that He would be her home.
And He danced and He sang His songs over her as she slept at night.
And she felt His joy, she felt His peace, His gentleness and His might.

She believed that He bore her pain and that He bore it in His side.
But to believe He loved her so was just so much that she would hide.
For His love was too dangerous and how could He dare to love her the unlovable..? It just didn't seem fair."

(from "She was Raised by a Man with a Sickness")

Look up into the sky, love.

This morning, I woke up thinkin "What the heck am I doing".
I have been hit with such a heavy burden, I don't know where it's coming from and I don't know what to do about it.
My heart aches for something.. more, something bigger.


Help.

So, the other night I decided to go to Simi Valley because two friends were randomly staying at a hotel there for the night. I got there around 12:30am and didn't leave until about 4am because I had not seen these friends (Jordan & George) in quite some time, so we just stayed up through the night talking and catching up on the past year and where we've been, also where we are now. It was such a sweet time of fellowship.

And I'm so joyous to say that was not the only time I've hung out with them or talked to them. A couple nights later, there was a house show in Long Beach that I went to and Jordan met me there, and after the show I met up with George at his house in Orange and he took me to this sweet little coffee shop called McClean's and we were there til about 2am (the place doesn't close til 3am.. rad). It was just another night of awesome fellowship and just rad conversation.

I'm writing about this because I absolutely cherish these guys and I am blessed to know them, seriously so blessed. They're both so rad. And I'm also writing about this because the past couple nights with them has been SUCH a blessing to me; my heart has been craving this sorta conversation & fellowship... and it's been completely provided. How amazing is that?! Man, my heart is on overload right now.

Just some of the people I love the most.

I just would like to be made whole.

So, I've been going to all sorts of meetings lately -- Counseling, grief share, etc etc etc.

The one that's really gotten to me so far is the grief share group. It's held weekly at a church close-by.
It's literally been rocking my world. I hesitate before going each week, because it's the one thing that I've put off for 6 years, yet it's the root of every problem that I have in my life. I never want to go, but I've left each group so thankful that I decided to bite the bullet and actually go. The usual layout of these meetings is this: we watch a video explaining different stages of grief and then we sit in a circle (or in smaller groups) and we discuss the video. It probably sounds cliche and maybe sort of strange, but I will say that it's been helping me a lot. Being surrounded in a group of people (sometimes 5, sometimes 15) who understand what I am dealing with has been really encouraging. It's encouraging, even inspiring, to see these same people week after week and it's encouraging because here we are in the midst of terrible tragedy and heart-breaking loss, but we are not alone and we are dealing with it, we are getting help, we are receiving help. We are there for each other, there are shoulders to cry on and there are memories to be shared. And that's so important, I think, when you are grieving: to simply share your memories with someone else.
It's not always so easy at these groups and you'd be surprised how much anger can be tied in with losing someone close to you and a lot of times, I leave feeling so burdened with my loss and just so desperately sad.
BUT I still go and as much as I never really want to go, I do want to go at the same time. Clearly, it's just time for me to deal with and sort through losing my mom. It's time to face it head-on because that's the only way that I can fully recover, because this is the one thing that has held me back for the past 6 years and because I intend to dig deep to get to the core of it.
It's hard, but I'm determined.

(Sorry if this is all just rambled thought)