Alright, let's be honest.
Today and especially right now, I've got feelings of restlessness. Like... bad.
My mind is racing, my heart is overwhelmed, and my feet just want to run.
Because that's what I do... Apparently.
When things start looking up around me, I forget the hell that I just came from. And it doesn't even matter to me when I do think of it. Because things are starting to get really fucking good, and that just honestly scares the hell out of me. So what do I do? I run.
My heart just wants answers right now. I need something definite and I just need confirmation, I need encouragement and I need love most of all. But it's funny, because I have all these things around me, in this house that I am part of. But my heart wants more.
Maybe it's because this is all so new to me, and I really have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'm just doing what I see others doing, because I see it working for them. And I believe it can work for me too.
BUT. I'm scared. Like. Really, really scared. Right now, I am scared of being hurt. I'm scared of not being wanted, I'm scared of being too pushy, I'm scared of rejection, I'm scared that I'm doing everything wrong.
My heart just fears right now. And it makes me want to run.
But somehow, my feet are planted right where they are and even if I wanted to, I wouldn't.
And boy, do I want to. Because it's what I do and it's what I know.
So I guess if you're reading this, please pray for me.
Because I can't. And because I'm just not sure right now.
Please. Thank you.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Wow.
Hello, my name is Heroin - I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds or gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold. I'm easily found, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me you'll see, but if you do, you may NEVER break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in my arms. You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and
I just read this... Wow. Dead on.
And with this will be my reminder of where I'm at now vs. where I was just 2 1/2 weeks ago.
I'm on my way towards 100% sobriety. 13 days today. Thanks for the support, guys.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in my arms. You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and
separate friends. I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything, your family, your home, your friends, your money, and eventually you'll be alone. I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live. If given the chance, I'll drive you insane. I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind. I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, the voices you'll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master; you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me , what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, LET ME LEAD YOU TO HELL.
You'll give up everything, your family, your home, your friends, your money, and eventually you'll be alone. I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live. If given the chance, I'll drive you insane. I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind. I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, the voices you'll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master; you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me , what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, LET ME LEAD YOU TO HELL.
I just read this... Wow. Dead on.
And with this will be my reminder of where I'm at now vs. where I was just 2 1/2 weeks ago.
I'm on my way towards 100% sobriety. 13 days today. Thanks for the support, guys.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Everyone is talking about having a "spiritual awakening," an encounter of sorts that is unexplainable but for the simple fact that nothing can explain it except for a Higher Power. And I am working through Step 3 right now and early this morning, came to the realization that there are many good things happening in my life right now, many things that can't be explained, and all praise is due to my Higher Power. So, I guess you can say I've reached complete defeat and surrender. And I'm not looking back. This life is just too good, already.
Crazy.
12 days today.
Crazy.
12 days today.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Photos from 2008-2011
Kelsey and I - Portland, OR
Roomie Christmas - Vta, CA
Christmas 2009
Amber's birthday 2009 - Portland, OR
Me and Sammi - SD, CA
Drunk as fuck.
Loko'd up with my main girl, Trish.
Vta with best friends <3
Photo shoot with Alicia - Scv, CA
Classy as fuck.
Bradley Hathaway house show - Redlands, CA
Sunset Blvd, Hollywood
Family
Best summer - Hume, CA 2009
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Photo shoot with Jenny - SCV
San Diego
Portland fall 2009
Portland roomies 2009
Monday, October 22, 2012
9.
Just so you all know, I am back at the sober living that I left a little less than a month ago.
I've got 9 days clean today, and currently am working through Step 2 of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what we do here... Work through the steps. I needed something different, and this seems to be working for everyone that I have come into contact with so far. So. I'm giving this a shot.
And I'm not about to fuck it up now.
That's all.
Have a good night, everyone.
Thanks for the prayers, the warm wishes and thoughts.
Please continue praying, though.
And I will keep you updated as much as I can.
I've got 9 days clean today, and currently am working through Step 2 of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what we do here... Work through the steps. I needed something different, and this seems to be working for everyone that I have come into contact with so far. So. I'm giving this a shot.
And I'm not about to fuck it up now.
That's all.
Have a good night, everyone.
Thanks for the prayers, the warm wishes and thoughts.
Please continue praying, though.
And I will keep you updated as much as I can.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
The last part is a riddle... Good luck figuring out what I am really talking about.
I seriously hate just about every goddamn person right now.
Especially the ones who claim to be "Christians" and especially those who call themselves "my friend".
Got news: You're not my friend and most likely, you never were.
I told so many of you over and over again that it is not good or safe for me to be alone; I cried out multiple times for help, for someone to be there with me as I walk through all of this shit... And not one single person responded in the way I needed them to. In fact, no one responded at all.
Because here I (still) am..... ALONE.
I am so incredibly upset right now. So upset, so hurt and so alone.
And that just is nottt the best thing for me right now.
Because I have some black licorice in my room right now...
All I have to do is warm it up, press on it and let it soak into my tastebuds.
I'm about to go into a food coma.
And I hope to God that I do NOT wake up.
Especially the ones who claim to be "Christians" and especially those who call themselves "my friend".
Got news: You're not my friend and most likely, you never were.
I told so many of you over and over again that it is not good or safe for me to be alone; I cried out multiple times for help, for someone to be there with me as I walk through all of this shit... And not one single person responded in the way I needed them to. In fact, no one responded at all.
Because here I (still) am..... ALONE.
I am so incredibly upset right now. So upset, so hurt and so alone.
And that just is nottt the best thing for me right now.
Because I have some black licorice in my room right now...
All I have to do is warm it up, press on it and let it soak into my tastebuds.
I'm about to go into a food coma.
And I hope to God that I do NOT wake up.
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